Waiting for the Death of Today.

Actions don’t speak louder than words when all you want to do is scream until your throat bleeds out.

I was your lovesick prisoner. Inhabit me with your love and life. Make me whole again. The air I breathed was nothing if you weren’t part of the oxygen that filled my lungs. The tears that slipped away from my eyes carried you down into my pillow. The tear stains of yesterday remain where I rest my head today.

You come to me and squeeze my already bleeding broken heart. You haunt the memories that you reside in. You’re holding me down, forcing me to relive them. I can’t look away, not today.

I can hear the squeaky wooden stairs that lead up into our living room. I can trace every corner and outline on the walls. I remember every dusty window, lonely corners in the rooms, and all the cold wooden and tile floors. I can picture all our stuff so easily sitting in every room. I can feel the texture of the couch beneath me. I can feel the closed space in the small bedroom. I can feel the cold air that trickled in during the winter, and the hot and humid air that swallowed us in the summer.

I haven’t forgotten. No. The memories are vivid and alive.

The only dead thing that resides in me is my heart and soul.

You took away all my passion. You stole the colors that coursed through my veins. I wasn’t able to get them back so easily. Now it’s just a battle of creating these colors and painting a new picture. The picture changes every day. The colors bleed. They mesh into hideous colors that I didn’t mean to make. I’m trying to hard to bring the vibrancy back to life but I can’t seem to hold onto it for long. Everything goes dim. The lights turn off. Nobody’s home.

I always wished it could’ve been different. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think of it every now and then.

Especially today… January 23rd.

You see, it would’ve been our 6th year anniversary if all the tragedy and pain didn’t exist. I wonder what life would’ve been like now.

But I can’t turn back time. I can’t change what happened. But my mind replays my life from the past 6 years. I can’t forget it, even if I wanted to. I can’t erase the past.

I’ve been cut deep. And every time I think I’m alive and open, a dark fog rolls in and darkens my once clear vision. The sun refuses to shine in these moments. The visions of you sneak in, and I can still hear your voice. I see you. I feel you. It’s been over 2 years and your ghost still lingers around here.

But I’ve let you go… I never thought I could, but I did. Why does this still hurt then? Suddenly, I’m back there with you, praying for the comfort from you that I so desperately wanted and needed. I’m longing for your tainted love and I’m so ashamed of myself.

I haven’t been able to find that again. I’m not sure what I’m searching for anymore. The life and love I once lived for has died, and the reality now is still a hollow shell. I’ve filled myself up with empty space. Nothing hurts as badly as that pain I was plagued with. Nothing compares to the life I once lived. Sometimes it feels like a dream. Was it a dream? Are you really out there?

My mind is spinning. I’m unable to lay this day to rest, not entirely. There’s too much to erase and it simply can’t be done. I can’t forget. I’ll never forgive. But there you are, you’re in this room with me. The shadow that sleeps in the back of my mind. You’re here with me right now. You’re watching these tears fall. You can’t wipe them away though, no matter how badly I wish you could in this moment.

My heart is breaking all over again, and there’s not a single bit of thread or glue that can seal or hold it together right now. All I can do is let it break and bleed, let it weep, let it hurt. I can’t stuff these feelings away. There’s no use in doing so. These feelings are valid. I’m allowed to hurt. I’m allowed to love and hate you right now.

I haven’t cried for you in so long. But when this day comes around, my soul shatters.

I don’t remember how to love another. Most days I feel like I don’t have the capacity for it. I’m trying to fill this void inside of me, but I’m failing. The void just swallows it all up but is never satisfied. What am I attempting to fill? I don’t know anymore. It’s been 2 years and I’m still here. I win some days, and I lose others. I’m half alive but I’m also dead. I’m strong and then I’m weak. Some days I’ve forgotten you and you don’t cross my mind, and other days you walk inside, uninvited.

I know you’ll make yourself comfortable here today. I won’t try to push you away. It only makes it worse. It’s not really you though, it’s just my subconscious playing this all out. It’s trying to make sense of things. It’s trying to work out the wreckage you and I created. And then by the end of night, you’ll take your leave and that’ll be it.

They say it takes same amount of time as the duration of the relationship to get over someone. I didn’t believe it, not entirely. But here you are, and we’re not even half way through the time we spent together. You don’t exist in my world anymore, and I beat myself up over feeling and thinking this way. You shouldn’t be here. But I can’t be angry at myself; this is all valid. I’m not stupid or crazy or pathetic for feeling this way. I have to keep reminding myself that. I’m healing. I still wake up every day and look for reasons to keep going.

You can’t steal those reasons anymore. You’re not here. I’ve put you to rest in the grave of our past. But like the ghost you are, you’ve come to haunt me today.

I feel your presence. I don’t want to acknowledge it… but like an elephant in the room, there’s no way to get around it.

I’m on a journey of loving and accepting myself. It’s hard. It’s not linear. This life of mine will never be linear. There will always be some form of instability, I can’t escape it. But I was able to escape our timeline. As much as I loved you, I loathed you as well.

As much as I dream of you, and even miss you… you are gone, simple is that.

Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. You were my whole world, but I had to bury it all away to find a new path. I wanted to keep waking up. I wanted to open my eyes and keep seeing clearly. But all I continuously woke up to was heartache, uncertainty, empty words, pretty lies, and unkept promises. The longer I stayed, the more I felt alone.

Nothing can hold me anymore. I hear your voice, but I no longer understand what you’re trying to tell me. I see you there, but I don’t run to you.

Underneath this lacerated skin, I know that deep down that letting you go was the right thing to do. But even still, I feel phantom chains holding me down from time to time. I long for the day when today is just another day. Until then, I will forgive myself for feeling what I feel for you.

This is just how it has to be.

I’ve let you go, so I could find me.


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These are the musings of a 32 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

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