Day in and day out, you’re tangled in this intricately endless web you’ve woven through your life. You weren’t aware of this web you’ve been weaving though. Over the course of time, little by little, the silken threads you used have become tattered and frayed, but they refuse to break or tear.
You are solemn. You are cold. You are aloof. You have no regards for others at times. The thing that drags you constantly are your emotions which drown you in the icy waters you’ve called home, the only place inside your soul where these thoughts and feelings swirl and fester within you. A place you keep them locked up. Poison that slips out in the worst form: endless tears and words that no one can seem to understand. You are unable to convey the trauma and pain that lingers inside of you. It never conveys correctly.
You stumble on your thoughts and words, hoping to make sense. But you never do. It’s never enough.
You’ve been ignited by the uncomfortable feelings trapped inside of you. These feelings don’t burn away forever though. They may turn into embers and ash for a little while, only for a draft to come by and reignite the pain you tried to sweep away. An unwilling pain that demands to be felt. You can’t ignore it. The door closes and you burn alive, alone.
You’re not allowed to live in peace. We are part of the deal. When people meet you, they unexpectedly shake hands with us, the entities you try to keep hidden away. We may make ourselves known at the worst of times, and we scare the people you meet away. We trap you and keep you company. We are company you don’t want, but we are all that’s here for you. Always.
You can write out all these words, you can type letter by letter in each post you create, but you know deep down it just doesn’t get through enough. Where is your connection to the world? Have you no shame in how you feel? Don’t you get it? Nobody wants to hear about this. Nobody wants to feel the pain that comes along with you. It’s enough, won’t you stop this already? You’re not enough, and you’ll never be enough, no matter how hard you try.
In every endeavor, we will be here. We will always be in the back of your mind, even when you think we’ve stepped away for a little. We’re watching you. We will attack you when you’re down. You will find no solace, and nobody will want to give you the solace you desperately crave. They won’t hear a sound. They won’t hear you screaming and crying. We’ve found a way to make that happen. And in your mind, your prison, is where you will stay. You can’t abandon us. We won’t abandon you.
This isn’t love. Don’t mistake our presence with it. We don’t love you, and in that you find shame and we make you feel even more isolated. Does it torture you knowing that you can’t speak what you truly feel? It scares you, and you don’t want the people you love to abandon you and we convince you often that they will. We whisper that they don’t care. We tell you they’d rather be doing anything else than to keep you company. You see, we drive them off because we’re your only company. We started decades ago, without you even realizing it. You were so little. Look how you’ve grown… How does that make you feel?
You can’t escape us, and we won’t apologize for it because we’re not sorry. This is our job, to make your life endlessly painful and hard to manage. We take pleasure in seeing you suffer. You are our prisoner, forevermore.
What will you do about it?
There’s nothing you can do.
Your emptiness will only continue to grow. Remember that nobody really loves you. We don’t. But we are all you have. Don’t forget it. Have all the therapy and medication you want. We will still be here, armed and ready to take you down.
Your tears will never mean anything, not to us or to anyone in your life.
Cry all you want, there’s nobody here to take you away from us.
You can run and hide, but we will always be here.
the demons inside of you.