Feeling Around For New Ground.

I haven’t posted in a couple weeks, it’s been difficult for me to try and find the words to say. Writer’s block of some sort, I guess. I know the words usually come naturally and just flow without me really thinking about it, but this time has been different.

Life hasn’t been too bad. But I’m in a constant state of fatigue. The sharp edges of reality sometimes cut too deep and leave me bleeding and out for the count.

The positive side of life lately has been me leaving the country for a couple weeks. I traveled to Japan. And so I’ve been trying to figure out how to put my adventures into words. It was overwhelming in a good way. I tried new foods that I could never get the same experience here in Los Angeles. I encountered different kinds of people with different mannerisms and different lives from anything I’d ever seen before. Watching their lives from a foreigner’s perspective was something I can’t quite explain unless you’ve been in my position. I needed this. I needed this experience to grow. I needed it to open my eyes, to know there’s so much more to life than the little bubbles we all live in. It was refreshing. It was all so new and exciting, but also draining at the same time. Immersing myself in a completely different culture takes time to adjust to, but I enjoyed it.

I guess adjusting back to my daily mundane reality is just tiring. Back to the issues I’ve been facing, it’s all been waiting for my return. I wonder often how people can travel for long periods of times, letting their old life collect dust while they embark on a seemingly endless journey. I don’t have the money for that, and possibly the energy either.

My moods have been fluctuating lately. I’m not sure why. There’s never one thing that makes it all fall apart. Or maybe there is, and I’m unable to identify exactly what it is. I suppose it’s a combination of things. I found out that I won’t be seeing my therapist anymore starting in the new year. She’s no longer accepting insurance, and so I must search for a new one. But honestly, I might just take a break from therapy. There’s nothing debilitating happening in my life to the point where I need to talk to someone about my issues every week. I say that now, and watch, within a month into the new year, things will go to shit… let’s hope not. In any case, I’m feeling down about that. I’ve been seeing her for over a year, and just like that, it’s all coming to an end.

But everything comes to an end eventually.

The emotions in me have become stale, and I’m doing my best to resuscitate them. I’m 100% aware of what’s happening, and it makes it even more maddening. It’s like screaming at someone through bulletproof-soundproof glass. No message is getting through, except an outwardly obvious distress written upon the face of the one trying to convey whatever it is they have to say. I’m staring blankly through the glass, but all I hear is silence. Deafening silence.

Why has my emotional being abandoned me? …or maybe I’ve abandoned it?

I’m always so wrapped up in my feelings. Maybe this is even me being emotional, but just in a more closed-off confusing kind of way. It doesn’t make any sense. I can’t be void of emotion, I never can. I think it’s just all clogging up and I don’t know what to do with all the feelings so I just keep stuffing it in the ugly knot it’s becoming and walking away from it. Maybe I hope it’ll unravel itself quietly. Maybe I hope it’ll slip down the drain unnoticed. Maybe my conscious will do what it will with it, without stressing me out, without crossing any lines and compromising what little energy I have left in me. Whatever it happening, I don’t know if I’m really dealing with it, or if I’m just casting it aside. None of this makes sense, and you’ve probably stopped reading right about now because your head hurts. I don’t blame you.

In light of all that’s swirling inside of me, I finally purchased a piano. A digital piano. It’s beautiful, and I’m so in love with it. I love seeing it when I wake up in the morning, and when I drift off to sleep at night. It feels so real, it has semi-weighted keys and has an overall great sound. I’m able to make as much noise as I want since I can plug in headphones. It came with 3 sustain pedals too.