I’ve been pushing aside most things as of late. My energy is low; I don’t wish to waste my time and sacred resources beating around the bush to find answers. I’d rather just lay low than to venture out in the world. I’ve become a lone wolf.
You may think that what I’ve been saying is asinine, redundant, and out of touch. Maybe it is. But, you see… I’ve found solace in myself for once. I don’t share these kinds of things in my day-to-day life. This isn’t something I talk about to people to their faces. It would be too difficult to articulate. It would get passed over. So I save these things to be released here.
Perhaps I’m jaded. Or I’m too tired. I don’t have the energy to entertain people, or maybe I simply just don’t want to. Is that bad? Is it wrong of me to want to say “no” to more things? I’ve always been one to be pushed over for the sake of the other person’s well-being, but what the fuck? What about me? Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves, maybe I should start being more like them.
Maybe this is the first step into true self-care. Closing in on myself, sinking in somewhere deep where nobody else can reach. I guess self-care is different for everyone. Maybe my self-care is THIS, being alone. Solitude. I like it here in my world of solitude. I don’t have to expend my energy on any other soul, only my own. In my solitude, I can do anything I want. I’ve created this world, these rituals that I follow that bring me little bits of joy. I’m my own maker, nobody rules me in here.
I think it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
When you’re someone like me, who gives and gives and gives without getting much back, I think being selfish is alright from time to time. It gets exhausting being on the other end of it, always trying to please people and make others feel comfortable, while neglecting my own needs 99% of the time. It feels like nobody makes space for me. I keep trying to reaffirm to myself that I’m allowed to take up space, too. I don’t have to have anyones permission to do so. I have every right to live and breathe like them.
It’s a weird internal battle- trying to please others while pacifying myself. Where’s the balance? Will I ever find a way to properly juggle the two? It’s not that I don’t like doing things for other people, but sometimes I wish it could be reciprocated. And then when I stop serving them, I’M the one who feels guilty. Either way, I lose.
Learning to stop caring about what other people think is incredibly hard; especially when you grew up trying to be on everyone’s good side in fear of being punished for every little thing that could be taken as wrong.
I’m not sure that part of me will ever shut off. It’s something I can’t unlearn. It’s been drilled so far into my brain that the screw is stripped and can’t be removed. Even if there is no threat of someone being mad at me, I somehow pick up on subtle cues that could be taken as them being upset/mad/frustrated and I start to panic internally, wondering what I did wrong. It will eat away at me for as long as it takes to find out if it’s all in my head, or if they’re actually upset/mad/frustrated at me. And finding out the answer is scary, too. That in itself also elevates the panic. I wish I had an on/off switch in those moments.
But being alone helps. Because when you’re alone, you’re not a burden to anyone and you’re not at the mercy of their feelings. There’s no one get upset at you, no one to inconvenience, no one to panic about. That’s the part I enjoy the most. That aloneness gives me some peace of mind. I said in a few posts ago that I’m not at the mercy of another person’s feelings. It feels so good not being responsible for how they feel. It feels good knowing they’re not stirring up any insecurities, sadness or anger within me, too.
I guess the only problem now is that I hold people to an incredibly high standard. Especially anyone that I’m to be in a romantic relationship with. I’m trying to figure out that balance; accepting the good with the bad. Last time I did that, I was manipulated and emotionally/verbally abused for years. I kept telling myself that if I really loved him, I’d accept all of him- even the bad parts… who thought THAT was a good idea? But now I pick apart every person and decide who’s worth keeping around or who I should keep away from. It gets exhausting, and then I usually end up giving up and retreating back into my solitude because it’s just easier here. Inside my solitude, I can rest for however long I want, and nothing can penetrate the walls between reality and my solitude.
I know I eventually need to learn how to balance a person’s good and bad qualities. I’m stuck with the mindset that I’ll get fucked over badly, or that the right person would never do such a bad thing to me. Black or white. There is no grey. You’re either going to be a piece of shit to me, or you’re going to be perfect. How’s that for standards? I KNOW that isn’t realistic. Then the delusional part of me is like, “the right guy will come by and he’ll be perfect for me and nothing will go wrong.” Then the logical part of me is like, “Oh, c’mon. Really? There’s always going to be issues in relationships.” But my standard is so high because of the shit I’ve gone through, that even the smallest issue feels like the end of the world. How am I supposed to learn and recover from that if I’m too afraid to even try again?
What a tangled web I’ve woven.
This is why I’ve chosen solitude. Yes, it’s the easy way out, but maybe that’s just what I need right now. Maybe I’ll come out of my hermit-phase a new woman with a new direction, a clean slate, and be ready to finally try again. I’ll be bright-eyed and armed with knowledge, security, and and endless abundance of self-love. I might get knocked down, but I’ll be well-equipped to handle the waves this time.
My loneliness is my friend; together we live in spite of everything that tries to tear us down.
The door to my solitude is closing, I’m shutting off the lights, and I can’t hear you now.