I’m sad. I feel low. I feel alone. I feel like an idiot. I feel unworthy and like a waste of space. Who knew at age 28––nearly age 29 in 5 months––I’d still feel like this.

Aren’t we all supposed to grow out of this teenage angst? I know I’m human, but these thoughts and feelings still suffocate me as if I was still in my cold and lonely bedroom at age 15. These tears fall and I feel my former self emerge, shaking me and I can’t help but to cry with her. We sit on this little bed, a razor blade in our hand, tears dripping down our cheeks and fly away to a place where pain and numbness collide.

I don’t feel like I’m good enough, nor deserving of the things I have in my life. Where and when did these feelings of worthlessness arise from? I wish I could go back in time to that moment and tell the little me that I am worth it and capable of good things.

My life probably would’ve turned out much differently than it is now. I image I’d have more love for myself, more confidence, a will to try harder, and no gravitational pull into the darkness. I can’t do that though. This is the hand I’ve been dealt and I just have to find ways to keep living through it.

I feel so alone, and I’ve tried finding back doors out of life, but I’ve been unsuccessful at falling through them.

I’m not my own friend, most of the time. It changes so frequently and I’m used to it, and yet I can barely keep up with myself… I like myself for a moment, then I look in the mirror and the hate I’ve tried burying away illuminates through the glass. I’m one huge contradiction, and attempting to explain it to someone on the other side of this is like pulling teeth. They look at me with pity and have no idea what to say or do. I don’t expect them to, but all the while I just feel more and more alone.

Chester Bennington once said:
“My whole life, I’ve just felt a little off. I find myself getting into these patterns of behavior or thought – especially when I’m stuck up here [in my head]; I like to say that ‘this is like a bad neighborhood, and I should not go walking alone.’”

I completely and intensely relate to his words. I couldn’t have said it better myself, and it’s scary that I feel it so much, because look what happened to him. Is that my fate in the long run? Maybe I wasn’t mean to go back then, but who’s to say it won’t be that way later on in my life? Life is so uncertain and I only have control over so much. I’m really trying. But sometimes the darkness and these demons that crawl under every part of my skin and swim through my veins… well, they really do get the best of me and I can’t convince myself otherwise to look for the light.

I’m terrified one day they’ll win, once and for all.

 

I’m calling to you now.
Just leave a light on-
I’ll find my own way out of the dark.

 

 

xoxo,
signatureAS

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