It’s late, and I should be sleeping because I have to work tomorrow… but I need to get this off my chest.
I attended a Dream Theater show tonight, it was my 3rd time seeing them. They never cease to amaze me and always put on a spectacular show. Sometimes I think they’re superhuman (which is ironic because they have a lyric that says “If I seem superhuman, I have been misunderstood.”).
I sit there in awe… How can somebody be so talented, magical, genius with their abilities to create and share their music with the world? How do they push themselves to face the challenges? Well, how DID they even come to be? How did they get past the fear and the unknown when it came to making music and playing it to the world?
These are questions I ask myself daily… literally, I ask myself everyday. You see, I’m a silent musician, which is a contradiction, I know. I have been singing since I was 5 years old (I’m 27 now) and I have yet to have any kind of “breakthrough” or whatever. No one has noticed me or offered me some kind of right of passage. I sit and wonder how my idols have created the very dream I long for. I cannot even fathom the train of thought and the events that followed when they began their journey. All I know is that it probably took hard work and fighting a battle with fear. I could be wrong about the latter. So why can’t I just work hard already to fulfill my dream?
It’s something I cannot seem to push past. Is it laziness? Fear? Lack of resources? I blame myself and all the previous reasons stated. I feel broken and useless. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so immobilized by my fear, insecurities, uncertainty, judgement of others? Why can’t I just fucking shake it off already and go do what I’ve wanted to do since I was 5?!?! *screams internally*
I wish someone would notice me. I wish they would tell me what to do. I always look to others for their opinions, for the choices, the decisions… It’s so hard for me to listen to myself. I feel like every time I do, it’s just never the right choice. Is there a right choice? Or is it all chance/coincidence? I don’t know.
I don’t know. The uncertainty kills me… And people tell me to just push past it. I hear them. I hear the voice in my head telling me, too. And yet I’m still frozen.
What do I do? I wish I could reconstruct my brain and make it normal.
I feel like I’m living a lie. I want to create music, I want to bask in something bigger than myself. I don’t know how else to express myself except through writing and singing. I have so much to say, but no one to say it to because I’m too afraid of being vulnerable to the world. Too afraid of judgment of others… Afraid of being called “dark”, “depressing”, “negative”, “emotional”… Because it’s something I’ve heard from people, even from family. I can’t help it. I find solace in my sorrow. It’s the only way I knew how to deal with things growing up. It was my coping mechanism. Years later, it still is. I reveal myself different from people. I’m happy at times, but I’m also just… somber. That subject is for another post sometime.
In any case, I know I can’t be alone in these feelings. And I want to help be that voice for people, to let them know they’re not alone. To tell them that I’m there with them, I’m suffering too alongside them. Because that’s what I’ve found and felt through my idols. I just wish to do the same; I don’t know how else to help people.
And yet I’m still afraid.
What else could I possibly do to put myself out there? I’m alone with my voice. I don’t play instruments, but I want to learn. Piano and guitar have always peaked my interest, but as it stands, I can’t make music without a songwriting partner.
It’s all so exhausting and redundant trying to find someone to connect with, it’s like dating. I wish the right person would just show up already…
But I digress. If you read this far, I thank you. Thanks for hearing me out, I hope I made some sense out of the fuzziness in my head.
I’ll leave you all with a link to my Youtube channel. It’s mostly covers, but I’ve recorded a few original songs.