Every year, I buy a new journal to write in. I need a clean slate from the writings of the prior year. However, I forgot to buy one for 2018, so my first entry will have to be on my blog. I’ll buy one tomorrow.
It’s wild how the years go by so fast… you barely blink and suddenly you’re waving goodbye to the past year. Waving goodbye to the trials and tribulations, to the smiles and tears, to the agony and happiness you experienced.
It’s been a year since I separated myself from the person I loved, who sadly was the same person that drowned me. I remember it too well. We were supposed to have a nice New Years Eve, a nice holiday… That rarely happened. There was always some kind of drama to ruin them all. The same bullshit that destroyed too many days and nights through the years. Those moments stole my life slowly.
As soon as he got up from the couch and locked himself in the bedroom, that’s when I knew… I knew I couldn’t go on living that way. I knew if I stayed another day, it would be a day closer to my early death. When that time was up, I knew I would successfully take my own life. I knew if I reached the past the point of no return, it would be permanently.
I knew in that moment, sitting on the couch on New Years Eve 2016/2017, that our time was up. But this time… I wanted to live. I had to fight to survive. I had to find my own way out. I had to push through the pain and find the light out of this agonizingly dark tunnel that became my life. I was finally sure about something that I was on the fence about for so long. I denied my feelings for so long, in hopes that he would change his malevolent ways. People rarely change. I know that now.
I packed my things and left Philly 2 weeks later. I didn’t look back. I didn’t have the desire to turn my car around and surrender back to my old ways. I knew I had to move forward, even if the pain was so overwhelming. I knew in my heart, it was time to let go.
Shortly after I moved away, he tried to get through to me in the most sneaky of ways. I did my best to ignore his attempts because I’ve been through those games so many times with him. It went on for a couple months, then it finally stopped. Then I had a moment of weakness about 6 months into my new life in LA. I emailed him, saying I was thinking about him and that I missed him. I sort of regretted it shortly after sending it, but that’s okay, I never heard back from him anyway. I recovered quickly.
Reflecting on this past year, I learned so much about myself. It’s cliche but I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I still feel lost, but I know I have to keep moving forward, no matter what. That’s the big lesson I took away from 2017: Always continue moving forward. Looking to the past is pointless. It’s good to reflect, but not to wander too long there.
I’m far away from the pain that chained me down, and I’m so proud of myself for staying alive this whole time. Even in my moments of deep sorrow, I know that the silver lining in my clouded world will break through.
I will continue to build myself up. The healing process is a long road, but I feel like I’m doing the best that I can do. My heart still feels battered, and I’m so weary to trust people. My compassion is still something I hold true, but vulnerability is something I have backed away from in fear of it being held against me, or abandoned. I tend to pull away first. I am closed off now. I used to be an open book when talking to people, but now I sit on a shelf, dusty and untouched. I’m a fly on the wall; a wallflower. I prefer to listen over speaking. I still feel so much, but it’s mostly internalized now. I don’t want to show my true feelings, for they may come back and strangle me. I open up to very few people now.
I’m learning new ways to understand myself, I’m learning to be patient with myself. This past year has been all about moving on and healing. I think it will continue into 2018- And I hope I’m able to create better memories, embrace new experiences and allow the right people into my life.
All I need is to take one day at a time.
So… what do you have in store for me, 2018?