There are so many things I want to say, but they are confined underneath my skin. They are suffocating with each thought that passes by. They want someone to hear them, but the forcefield of my own being refuses to let them go.
If only I could let them go…
I will try to release them without judgment. It’s something that is so difficult for me to do. Most thoughts or feelings I have, I immediately shut them down because it’s too difficult to face them. I believe I sound stupid, trivial, redundant, insignificant… I’m my own worst critic. Everyone says that about themselves, so I guess it’s true. I feel like I struggle with it worse than others.
I will try not to judge what I’m about to say, I can already feel the judgement rising though. God, this is so hard. I need to picture a fence in between myself and the judgements I cast upon myself..
I learned today that a mutual friend of mine and my ex’s has apparently been living with my ex since July. When I discovered this, my blood ran cold. This sour pit in my stomach grew and consumed my lungs and my throat. I struggled to process this. And here is where the judgement comes in… People may wonder why I had such a strong response to this news. I honestly can’t answer that, because I don’t even know. It’s something I’ll ask my therapist next time I see her. All I know is that anxiety and panic took over, and the tears rolled down my face. I put on some angry/sad music to help expel the helplessness I felt. I screamed. I sang. I looked deep inside myself and tried to pull out the girl that was there 20 minutes before she discovered the news.
New Years Eve last year is when I ended it, mentally. After that last argument, over something so fruitless… I knew I couldn’t bear to go on another day. It wasn’t until a week later when he noticed I was packing my things. And he tried his usual tricks to persuade me to stay. It hurt so much, but I knew deep inside myself that I was firm in my decision. It was the one thing I was finally sure of. It took so many attempts to finally convince myself that this was no good for me anymore.
It’s bizarre how fast a year went by. A year with no living in fear and panic. A year without walking on eggshells. A year without the horrors of emotional, verbal and mental abuse. A year being unchained by his empty promises.
Those empty promises kept me going, even though I knew it was a lie. I just wanted to believe that THIS TIME would be different. It never was.
Just when you think you’ve found your soulmate, your missing puzzle piece, the perfection you so deeply desired, it all washes away, leaving a trail of blood from your heart. He was my perfection, until he became angry.
If I only could have opened up his brain and remove the things that made him so callous and filled with rage, we could’ve ruled the world together. Our path of broken pavement could’ve been a golden brick road. I’d always try to justify it and make bargains with myself. But there’s only so much bargaining you can do until it destroys you. I wanted to help him, I wanted to save him. But the rope we held onto slowly frayed until the last thread could withstand no more. I knew instead that I had to save myself.
All the times he walked away, ignored me, screamed at me, belittled me, made me feel like I wanted to die, those memories have stayed with me and have poisoned my heart and soul. I feel like if he read this post, he would be so happy for what he has accomplished. I think his goal was to break me down so low that I could never fight for myself again. And well, I was at that point towards the end. But deep inside, there was an ember still glowing. All I needed was the extra gust to fan it until the flames burst through.
I feel the fire inside- some days it’s low, some days it’s bigger and hotter. But it burns around my heart that’s made of stone. Could I ever open up so deeply to someone again? I was telling a friend today how I am vulnerable, but I swallow it back up because I’m afraid of it being used against me. I’m afraid of someone seeing me for what I really am and abandoning all hope for me. So instead of them doing it first, I steal the opportunity back so no one has power or control of me.
I’m trying to figure out a way to crack open the stone that has engulfed my heart. Honestly, I don’t know if there’s anything inside of it. Perhaps there’s tiny bits of diamond that are trying to repair itself, but are too weak to piece back together.
I’m trying to save myself every day. I want my diamond heart back, but it feels like this is going to be a long quest in order to get it back. I will find things along the way that will aid in the repair. And maybe, just maybe… someone will extend a hand out to point me in the right direction when I’m lost.
But all I have is me.
I have to be my own heroine now.