In all of my moments, all of my fleeting moments… The emotions that flood over me, the ones that are black and white; the colors of my tears that change faster than you could take another breath; the agony of another thought that pushes me under my skin, the place where I want to get away from the most.
Running away has always been the constant in my life. When I’m overwhelmed, my brain blanks out, times out, fizzles out, fades to black, powers off. And then suddenly I’m no longer there. The girl you thought was alive and well, awake and conscious, she’s not in there anymore.
The urge to run away, to pick up my things and go- it has always been that glittery prize in a pretty glass case to me. Having the desire to just start anew and forget the struggles of the past. Of course, that never happens. The struggles always follow… but at least you’re in a new place to reinvent yourself and begin the process of unraveling your ghosts and healing your soul.
I feel this way more often than I probably should. More than the average person. I guess I’m not very average though. Am I?
I’m always dreaming of a better tomorrow, and yet when tomorrow comes, I’m disappointed by the lack of ambition within myself. I envisioned something so big, so beautiful and magical… is it really unattainable? I’ve let myself down again.
And then my mind starts the friendly-fire… “You’ve let everyone down. You’re nothing. Everyone hates you. Everyones thinks you’re lazy, irresponsible, a burden. Now no one cares for you because of the poor decisions you’ve made. You deserve this pain. You deserve to lose. You’ll never learn so everyone you love is going to leave you behind now.”
Which then, in turn, makes me to want to flee. Since I’ve let the people in my life down, why not run away and start new? Maybe then they’ll see how far I’ve come and how I’m doing my best to continue growing. Don’t they see? Maybe not. I’m not even sure I see what the fuck I’m doing anymore. Am I growing?
It becomes addicting, you know. Packing up your things and running away. As someone who’s done it far too many times, it’s almost like a drug. But even doing drugs gets exhausting. You do start to long for stability… And it’s nice. It’s nice to just be doing the same old thing. It’s nice to stop and rest. But then once you’ve had it for so long, you begin to miss the thrill of running away. It’s always a new adventure. There’s so much to see out there, why wouldn’t you want to go see it all? I guess the difference between me and leaving for a logical reason is that I just want to get away from my old life and start brand new– even when the odds are against me and the plan is nonexistent.
I’m in a constant state of fear, anxiety and panic. I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to turn it off… Which in turn, makes me want to run away. It’s not always the smartest idea, usually. But in the moment, it seems like it’s all I can do to survive.
It’s also exciting to just pick and up and leave. It makes me feel alive, like I have a purpose, FOR ONCE… Until it doesn’t. Until the emptiness seeps back in. Until the impulsivity that carries me far, finally kills me.
Then I’m just here. Existing in a state of brokenness. Too afraid to move again. My thoughts and emotions pulling me this way and that way.
I guess I understand why the word “borderline” in Borderline Personality Disorder was chosen.
I miss running away. I kind of want to do it right now. The logical part of me knows it’s a terrible idea to do, but the emotional part of me doesn’t care. She wants to pack her car up and hit the road. Emotional Amy wants to be somewhere else, do something else, anywhere but here… But logical Amy knows that is a terrible decision because where will she live? What about money? Doesn’t that matter? Emotional Amy doesn’t care, she just wants to watch the world fly behind her in the rearview mirror. But then logical Amy steps in and reminds me of the times I impulsively moved when things got too intense between K and I… But he isn’t in my life anymore, so why do I still want to run away from my life?
I’m not living up to my potential, something that seems like I’ll never achieve. I’m my own worst critic, my own worst enemy. I will be the death of me.
I’ve set myself on fire, and then I keep throwing water on myself to stay alive, only to fall into a pit of lava again. It’s exhausting, so exhausting. And describing this to someone––let alone on this post right now––is difficult and frustrating. I mean, there’s people that DON’T react or feel this way? Absolutely baffling. I can’t relate with them.
So I’ve already come to accept that I’m broken. Whether or not you can see it through my eyes, it doesn’t matter. I’m floating by, lost in the eye of the storm. Watching, wishing, waiting for something to pull me in another direction. Picking up pieces of myself and others along the way. I’m pressing the pieces into myself, in hopes that I’ll stay whole. I never do. They just keep falling off and I’m back where I started.
I’m longing to be somewhere I don’t know of right now. I’m remembering the feeling I felt when I stepped out of my car that day about 3 years ago into Seattle territory. The feeling of completion, the feeling of wonder, the feeling of another adventure about to begin. I remember stepping off the plane when I moved to Philly. The everlasting waterfall of emotions I felt… To be somewhere new. To live through new experiences. Some of which changed me forever, better and for the worse.
Everyone always says “new year, new me” but honestly, I think we’re always evolving. We’re different from the person we were yesterday. Little things occur and shape us ever so slightly. Maybe you don’t notice it right away, maybe you do. Maybe you’re like me and something so tiny moves you.
So here I am, waiting and wondering when and where the next adventure will take me. The nomad within me is relapsing and I’m trying so hard to keep her chained down before she makes another decision impulsively… But I’ve already failed, I can feel it.
Where’s the reset button on life? Can I get a refund on life? I want a refund. Take it back, send me back to the factory. I’m defective. Please. Take it all away. Take me before I run too far again.