I’m at this place again, this moment where I’m stuck in my head and I can’t find the words to describe the thoughts racing through my mind. I can barely put it on paper, let alone type it out on my blog. I’m going to try anyway though.

I don’t know what I want anymore. One day I wake up, and I’m alive with this certainty that everything will fall into place and I’ll take life by the horns and make it how I want it to be. I have this sense of control… but then the next day, I could wake up and feel the exact opposite. Control? Who the fuck has control over anything? You’re lying to yourself if you think you have any control over things.

I’d like to think I’m in control of my emotions; I’d like to think I keep myself in check. It’s apparently not always the case though. I don’t know where it comes from. It’s as if a seed is planted in the abyss that is my mind, and it decides to sprout at any given moment, only to die just as fast as it grew. My emotions are a rollercoaster. I’ve gotten used to this ride, but that doesn’t mean I’m having any fun on it. I try to move the track in a different direction, away from the impending doom I’m falling into, away from the seething chaos that’s boiling inside me, away from the wolves that claw deep into my rib cage, tearing apart all of my vital organs. This rollercoaster crashes too many times. I’m constantly rebuilding the track, over and over again. The uncertainty of my own emotions just proves that I don’t have much control over it. I only fool the outside world though- this is an internal battle. You won’t see me showcasing this disaster in front of your eyes.

If we had the ability to crawl inside someones mind and explore the depths of the neighborhood inside there, I would not advise anyone to venture inside my brain. It would be like a vicious dog barking and barking at you; you’d run away screaming.

I don’t sleep much. People who are close to me are aware of my sleep troubles. Insomnia is a close friend of mine. My thoughts race frequently, other times my mind is completely void and I’m not even present. I recently changed medications, too. One of my previous medications helped as a sleep aid in its lowest dose. It didn’t always help though- but I also didn’t take it consistently every night, so that’s my fault. This new medication helps more with anxiety now. It has been helping, just not with sleep. Nothing else seems to work on me except that medication so I may talk to my psychiatrist about getting back on it. I don’t know, my options are limited at this point. My mind is dancing around in an endless circle to a symphony of thoughts that never end. Perpetual disturbance.

Perhaps it’s the lack of sleep that has contributed to me not knowing what I want. Well, I’m sure it is one of the many things. Life just feels confusing and uncomfortable, whether I want to admit it or not. I was talking to my therapist today, and I was telling her about the uncertainty and how I just feel uncomfortable, and the only way to escape that is to just shut down and kill any kind of emotion I feel. That’s been my life for many months now. I don’t want to rely on anyone. I don’t want to feel for anyone. I don’t want to get close to anyone. It’s all toon exhausting and I’m tired of being let down by those who claim they care. I’m tired of letting new people in and being so very vulnerable, only for it to blow up in my face. I’ve just turned to stone and locked away that part of me that used to love so deeply. I’m a shell of who I used to be. Sometimes the passion comes out of me when I’m alone and singing. But any other time, I’m just floating around, not looking for the beacon of light or beacon of hope or what have you. The life in me has been frozen, and I’m not sure how to shatter the ice that encompasses me.

I’m too afraid to give myself away, too afraid to try, too afraid to be vulnerable. It’s so much easier and safer to stay behind this wall I’ve built around myself. I don’t know where I’ve gone to. Maybe this is just who I am now. I’m not sure anymore. The uncertainty has eaten me alive and trapped me. I’ve lost the keys to my own sanity. I’m dying inside, and yet I’m still breathing. I’m still alive.

How can you be dead, but still have a pulse? I’m like the opposite of a vampire, I don’t know what I am. I don’t know who I am.

These words fall out of me like stones, and I’m just kicking them around, trying to make sense of them. I still feel heavy. Why can’t I find relief? I wish I could just close my eyes and immediately fall asleep. I long to be lost in a slumber that refuels my entire being, and I wake up feeling like gold. I wonder what that’s like.

I’m trapped inside this dead space inside of me; a place where nobody else can see. And I think that’s the saddest part about all this… nobody can see this, so nobody really knows where I am.

I’m a prisoner to my own emptiness; a self-created hell that I never meant to bring into existence. I watch the world unfold before me, but still I’m trapped in the dead space.

 

 

I’ve been floating through time, alone.
Still searching, but I don’t know what for.

 

 

xoxo,
signatureAS

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