Life is weird, sometimes awful, sometimes great. Lately it’s been so up and down, and I can barely keep up with myself. I have all these dreams, but no direction.

I don’t know where I’m supposed to go, or do, or how to go about it. I feel broken down, and I feel like I lose my way more often than actually walking down a solid path.

I don’t know if everyone feels this as often as I do. I know those people exist somewhere in this uncertain world. Everything feels so barren all too often. I spend so much time staring into the void, while simultaneously trying to fill it. I don’t know where satisfaction meets success, which slowly drifts away and melts into failure. I watch the sun rise and fall and I watch myself do that, too.

Why does this life feel like there’s more falls than rises? I see all these wonderful (sometimes undeserving) people living these lives I wish I could live. I don’t know if it’s their good luck or strong disposition, or both. I want to carry that within me, but the weight of the world, and the weight of fear and self-hatred sinks me down instead and I’ve been spending forever trying to push it off me. At times I feel the weight shift… but the heartless wind blows it right back into its place on top of me.

These revelations echo throughout the chambers in my heart and endless halls in my mind. But that’s all they remain. Whispers that eventually fall further away from me. I see the shadows that hold those whispers. The lost whispers of yesterday. The lost whispers of today. The death of today rolls on, and those lost whispers of the future patiently wait at my grave.

I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
Can anyone hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you heal me?

I want these whispers to be released.

Release me.
I can’t go on like this.
Hear me.
Hear these silent cries that lie deep inside.
Forever is dying.
I’m losing the will to try.

Maybe I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to bring all these thoughts and feelings to life. Because then when I tear myself open, the world will finally hear everything I’ve kept locked inside myself for almost 29 years. The courage chases the dream vigorously, then cowers away at any real possibility of redemption.

The cruel cycle I trap myself in… but I have no one else to blame but me. I beg and plead, cry and bleed, I want and need but my soul remains chained to the fear of the unknown.

Set me free… let me go.

I feel like my life is wasting away. I feel like I’m running out of time. Who and what will wait? I’m barely waiting for myself. I’m already on the other side, waving goodbye to a dream that’s dying because I don’t want to step closer to the edge of my escape. The freedom I long for lies ahead, and I’m crawling in the dead of night- I’m losing my way over and over again.

The dream I love is on a road I loathe. I’m told I need to fall in love with the process, that the failures will walk hand in hand with me and teach me the lessons that will bring me closer to success. I should embrace failure. I shouldn’t be afraid. But telling myself that is easier said than done. I’m talking to myself. I’m digging up those lost whispers and shoving them inside my ears, convincing myself these messages are what will set me free. But there’s this steel wall surrounding me from reason and logic.

All that remains inside is fear and doubt. I’ve barricaded myself with these demons that have been with me for all of time. They break me down and I keep fighting this fight against myself and I’m falling. I’m failing.

This process is like a level in a video game I can’t beat. But I can’t proceed until I defeat the demons that have held me down here.

The sun will keep rising and falling.

Will this dream ever live to see another day?
Won’t heaven shine a 
light on me?
I want to open my eyes and see clearly.

It’s all the same, but the sun will continue to rise and set on me.

 

 

I always hear the whispers calling.
I will follow them down until the end of time.
Wherever they go, I won’t be far behind.

 

 

xoxo,
signatureAS

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