Yep, the first post. The post that always seems to be the hardest one to write. It’s a time to think of something fresh to offer the world… But realistically, it’s all been written over and over, again and again, right? What could I possible have to say that will catch anyones eye?
This train of thought has always been stuck inside my mind, like a piece of gum that no matter how hard you try to scrape off, just doesn’t seem to clean off completely.
I’ll be honest; Throughout my life, I’ve never felt completely “good enough”, whatever that means to you, person reading this post. Even though authenticity is something I always strive for, I somehow never find it inside myself to make that shine more into the world. You see, I’m afraid. Of what? I don’t know, the unknown? I know you’re thinking, “Well, you have to just DO IT! Face your fears! You’ll never know until you try.” Yeah, okay. I’ve heard it a bunch of times before, thanks for your redundant input.
My brain doesn’t seemed to be wired right, actually, it isn’t. *Deep sigh* You see… I suffer from a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. The best way I can describe it (without you Googling it and immediately thinking I’m a psycho monster) is an instability of emotions, the inability to stabilize oneself from intense emotions, frequent mood swings without any particular cause, unstable emotions, self-harm/risky/suicidal behavior, chronic emptiness, fear of abandonment. Well, now that you’re probably judging me and now think I’m psychotic, I will divulge in how it affects me.
It used to be very bad. I mean, VERY BAD. Long before I was diagnosed, I noticed with my first boyfriend the cycle that happened with me, which translated into our relationship. We dated for nearly 5 years, on and off a couple times. He was great, and I loved him dearly. During our relationship, I was just so unbalanced and my emotions were so intense. I went from idolizing him, to hating him, to being envious of his life and what he had, to intensely loving him, back to envy and so on… I would cut myself, tell him I’d kill myself if he left me. I was so lost and troubled and just constantly in pain… I blamed depression and anxiety, something I’ve struggled with since childhood, and something that still co-exists with my BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, for short. Long story short, he didn’t understand me and my “craziness” and thus, the relationship ended for good. Years later, I still didn’t understand why I was feeling these intense emotions.
Then came my second boyfriend. The relationship that truly triggered what lingered inside of me nearly all of my life. The thing that I would later be diagnosed with.
That relationship was the definition of a rollercoaster, a train wreck, an abusive relationship. It’s something that haunts me still, and I’m not sure how long it’ll be until it passes away from my memory. I learned a lot. I lived through a lot. I died, too. It hurts to think of it, but I know from time to time that I need to drain the poison that collects in my mind, heart and soul.
A few months after we moved in with each other, I noticed something was off. It would be later that I realized he had an incredible amount of anger pent up inside him. Things he just couldn’t seem to let go. He dealt with his anger in a strange way. I don’t think he wanted to heal. I think he wanted to take down anything that came too close.
We fought all the time. We’d fight, he’d ignore me for days/even a week or more. It was torture. Living under the same roof and just feeling like strangers. Then one of us would cave, and we’d make up and be okay for a little. Rinse and repeat. This happened for 4 years.
During that time, I felt insane. I would crack and have nervous breakdowns too often. Finally, one day about a year into our relationship, I decided that I was either going to end my life, or I needed to find help. I ended up going to a crisis center where after 8 hours, and talking to a few doctors, I was diagnosed with BPD. In that moment, it all made sense. All. Of. It. I finally had a name to call all the things I’ve felt through my life. It just clicked. I was relieved, and yet I was still broken.
I was hospitalized for 5 days. Nothing much happened when I was in there, but it felt nice to be cared and watched after. It felt relieving to detach from the real world for a little. And of course, the boyfriend felt guilty. Until he didn’t anymore, and it just went back to the usual toxicity.
Later that year, I tried to take my life. A serious attempt. I don’t want to or care to indulge you with the details. But I will say this, he didn’t care. He didn’t try to find help. I was nothing, and I felt invisible, worthless, useless. He reminded me of this often.
Another year or so later, I tried again.
The cops were called on me/us a lot. Mostly from my friends and family. I think a neighbor called once. It’s a blur.
In any case, I tried to leave many times. But I was always sucked back in. I had Stockholm syndrome. I was a victim of abuse. I knew it, I knew something was off and I wanted to get away. But then part of me loved him so much, and could see the good inside of him. If only I could’ve just reached deeper into his heart and soul, maybe he’d finally change his ways… It never happened.
I got away from him, for good. It’s been 10 1/2 months since I have seen him. I’m free, and I feel unchained finally.
But I don’t feel unchained from my demons and insecurities. It’s something that I constantly carry with me. It’s terribly hard to explain. I’m not healed, as much as I’d like to think I am. I’m afraid… Of the unknown, the unfamiliar, people, interactions, behaviors. Things trigger me and I do my best to stay away from the things that swallow me whole. Sometimes I can’t avoid them.
But the thing about my diagnosis… If I never was diagnosed, I’d still be just as lost and confused as I was when I left my first relationship. Never knowing if I was insane or if this was normal. And with the diagnosis of BPD, I was finally able to learn coping mechanisms, strategies to arm myself with when shit hit the fan. I was able to reach out and find help. And here I am today, 3 years later from that tragic night, able to deal with my emotions more logically. Years of therapy and the assistance of medication have shown me the light. I don’t have intense outbursts anymore. I haven’t cut in a long time. I can see what it is that is happening within myself. I’m not 100% perfect, and sure, I slip up sometimes in one of those categories. But I feel like I have some sort of handle on my mind.
Liberation feels good.
And yet, I’m still stuck in a perpetual cycle of doom. Not with a relationship with someone else, but with myself. My lack of confidence. My self-esteem. Something that I should be working on, and I’m trying to. I really am.
There’s so many things I want to do and accomplish. I get overwhelmed and I crash when I think about these things. But I’m reminding myself now that I need to take things one at a time, at a slow pace. I’m impatient and want results instantly. But I realize that I can’t bite off more than I can chew, otherwise I choke and then I just never want to eat again. Figuratively (literally, however, I love food).
Of all the things I want to accomplish, writing is near the top. I love to write; Lyrics, poems, journaling, blogging, articles, and yes… even essays sometimes.
That’s why I’m going to try and upkeep this blog. I’ve had a ton of blogs in the past, and over time I seem to drift away from them. I have to promise myself to TRY, TRY, and TRY to keep at it. I owe it to myself to do something I enjoy without the fear of judgement crippling me.
It’s the small steps that count… Right?
One thought on “The First Post – Authenticity.”
This blesses me so much! Not the parts where you have traveled in sadness or darkness.
But for your ability to own your struggles to be honest, transparent & truly authentic in sharing journey. It easier to hide than to be open because of vulerability.
Your willingness to be open is freeing for you. Reading your journey of taking your power back from doubt & fear is something to celebrate. A toast to you & your first post, truly a masterful entrance to the “Real You”.
Step by Step & Day by Day.
Lots of Luv! Aunt Liz
LikeLiked by 1 person