It’s hard to write this, but I have to.

I’ve mentioned that this time of the year is hard because it’s football season, and my ex is a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fan. I mean, I don’t blame him. That’s where he’s from. Gotta rep your team.

I just caught a bit of tonight’s game, it was LA Rams vs. Philly Eagles.

I haven’t told anyone this, only my ex knows. When I was 15, I watched a movie called “The Invincible” which starred Mark Wahlberg. I was so curious about it, I even watched it in the theaters. I don’t know why it drew me in so strongly. The movie is about––you guess it––the Philadelphia Eagles. Particularly about one guy who made the team during open try-outs to the public. His name was Vince Papale (Mark portrayed him). Anyway, I watched that movie and I loved it, so much that I even bought it on DVD back then. The Eagles stayed with me, in the back of my mind. Honestly, back then, I didn’t even know where the hell Philadelphia was. All I know is that Will Smith grew up in West Philly, whatever that meant to me at the time.

…Then I met my ex. For the sake of his privacy (which why I even care is beyond me), I’ll call him K. I found out K was born and raised in Philly. Then I found out he loved the Eagles, and suddenly all these things seemed to add up and latch to each other. It just felt weird and right and mystical in a way.

When I visited, then moved to Philly, there was always one thing that I loved and respected (still do) about the city and the people who inhabit it– they’re passionate about their sports. Eagles, Phillies, 76ers, Flyers… Philadelphians will fight for them.

As I grew to love the city and yes, even the Eagles, I found myself wanting to support them. K bought me some Eagles apparel which I still have packed away. I can’t bear to pull them out of storage. He bought me a racerback tank top that summer in 2013. Years later, he bought me a winter headband with the throwback Eagles logo on it. One year, I bought him a throwback beanie from Mitchell & Ness (which was difficult, mind you). Everyone wanted that damn beanie. He couldn’t wait for Christmas to get one, so he bought one for himself (I had already ordered it!). Well, I ended up keeping it and we were the matching throwback Eagles couple, I suppose. Now it sleeps with the other memorabilia.

So today, as I watched the score rise for the Rams, I was strangely happy. In this stupid, child-like vengeance I secretly had, I wanted the Eagles to lose… Because I know how much they mean to K. I just wanted K to hurt, knowing his team lost to my hometown. Obviously, that didn’t happen. Eagles won 43-35. Sadly, their quarterback Carson Wentz suffered a ACL tear injury. It’s said that he won’t recover to finish the season. So for a moment, in my childish demeanor, I was like “yay! there’s still a chance the Eagles will lose the season all-together.”

Then I realized… Why the hell am I feeling this way? Why does it matter? Wishing someone wrong isn’t going to change what happened. It won’t change the now, or the future. As I processed these thoughts and feelings, I felt sad and empty. I don’t know if it’s my minds way of coping, or if it’s because it’s been nearly a year since I left him. I think it’s just a lot of conflicting emotions, and I’m still trying to sort it all out.

K hurt me, really badly. And I have to live with that now. So does he. But it’s not my job to find out if he regrets his actions, his words. I’m not going to play detective. Because I spent many years trying to figure him out and why he did the things he did. Obviously I was not successful in the end.

It’s going to take some time, and I don’t know if I even can separate K from the Eagles just being a football team. I have much doubt that I can separate him as a person from the city of Philadelphia, either. It became my home. But as much as it was my home, he invited me in first. I wanted to stay, I wanted to build my OWN life there- without him. But I knew if I did, if I tried to move on and make a life for myself in his hometown, that sooner or later I would be swayed back into our broken home we shared together. The apartment I so deeply loathed and wanted to move out of. The walls were stained with malicious words, tainted by the screaming matches and silent treatments. And while he knew all the right things to say to get me back into his arms, I could never be dragged into that darkness again. So I left, for good (it took A LOT of will power).

It’s going to take time to be fully okay again. I’ve recognized that. Through all the tears, lies, pain, and suffering, I truly believe I made the best decision for myself by leaving.

But who knows what the future holds, I really do love the east coast. I learned a lot living there. Maybe a move to NYC could be the next thing for me down the line.

For now, I’ll let the world of NFL do its thing. And if the Eagles win over and over and find their way to the Super Bowl, that’s great. The people of Philadelphia deserve something to be proud about.

That’s one thing I won’t let K spoil… The people I met and came across in Philly. They had heart (Something he so lacked in the end). He’ll never change my feelings about them.

xoxo,