Disclaimer: Don’t read my blog if you get upset by negative energy. I enjoy writing about the darker parts of me that I conceal.

Well, I’ve decided not to delete this blog. Several friends have reached out to me saying they actually read (and enjoy) my posts. I was surprised, to say the least. So by popular demand (ha), I suppose I’ll stick around…

The last few days have been trying. I’ve felt very disconnected, discontent, and just apathetic about stuff in my life. There’s a baseline of these things inside me, but sometimes they flare up and it’s all I feel. I tend to isolate myself in these moments.

I was driving home this evening from a friend’s place, and I had my Apple Music on shuffle– which honestly is like Russian Roulette for my emotional well-being. And lo and behold, one song came on that brought me back to a place from many years ago… “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins. We all know that song, we all love it (at least I do). But this version of ITAT was done by a band called Nonpoint. It’s a rock version, and was used for the Miami Vice movie from 2006.

It was also a version of the song I had discovered through my ex.

That’s one subject we shared well (for the most part): Music. In the early time of our blossoming relationship, he shared new songs and new bands with me. He shared this particular version of ITAT with me during my first trip to Philly. I loved it immediately.

When I listen to it now––usually when it comes on shuffle––it brings me back to this vulnerable, tender, sorrowful moment. This moment was me sitting in the Atlanta International Airport. I was waiting at the terminal to go home, ATL was a layover stop. I remember looking at Google Maps and seeing my current location pin, then looking towards northeast at Philly, sad that my trip had ended, and I had to be away from him. I had Nonpoint’s ITAT on repeat… Sometimes I would bounce between Phil’s version, but Nonpoint’s version made me feel just a little bit more. I remember crying and texting him, saying how this song reminded me so much of him…

Fast forward to the present. Nearly 5 years later. The song came on and I froze. The intro to the song just consumed me and there I was again, on that uncomfortable bench at the ATL terminal, cat lady backpack at my feet. As I got home tonight, I parked my car, and tears rolled down my face.

Another song he shared is called “Fallen Angels” by a band named Ra. I don’t know anything about the band, all I know is that song. There isn’t much to say about it. It’s the same feeling, maybe a little less sentimental than ITAT.

It’s incredible how music really gets under your skin and swims in your veins.

It’s incredible how something so sweet, so blissful, can turn into a wretched nightmare in an instant.

It’s incredibly disheartening how someone you thought you know, gradually showed their true colors, and shattered a vision I thought I saw so clear.

This is the stuff music is written about. This is the legacy we leave behind. Through the pain, tears, screaming, and endless agony, is where a gold mine of inspiration lies.

I will use my experience to paint the picture of the world, and how I see it. It won’t be pretty at times, and may even make people look away. Sometimes even I look away.

But I cannot erase what happened. I’m not the same person as I was going into it. I changed constantly. My heart and soul are a little bit harder now, but I’m still compassionate and understanding. Trust is something that has to be earned. Honesty needs to be present constantly. True colors… those need to be displayed at all times. Shine your colors so there isn’t a single shade to conceal.

I should get that stitched onto a pillow, or tattooed on my arm. A daily reminder to be authentic.

In the air tonight––this current moment––the fallen angels inside of me lie awake and listen to my thoughts.  I know they’re there to protect my mind when it goes in too deep. They’re just trying to help. They don’t judge, they just observe and allow me to process these thoughts and feelings.

In the air tonight, I felt tragic nostalgia… But the fallen angels showed me that I was stronger for it.

 

xoxo,