I can’t keep up with myself. You can’t. Nobody can. It’s a perpetual cycle we’re all trying to keep up with; the problem is that we can’t. It’ll circle us until the end of time, well… the end of my time.
Ever since my BPD diagnosis in Feb 2014, I’ve learned a plethora of knowledge about the disorder. My awareness is always on high alert, looking for when the next mood swing comes around. I know when it’s happening. I know exactly when the scale tips suddenly and my world is flipped over. Anything can trigger it. And when it happens, I can’t stop it. Pulling myself away from the sinking ship that is my mood is useless; we’re going down, whether we like it or not. We usually don’t.
It confuses everyone. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m embarrassed because of who I am and of the chaos inside of me. Nobody can understand it, even if I try to explain with what I can explain to someone. I can see it in their eyes that I’ve lost them; the confusion has already clouded their mind. They must be thinking I’m some psychotic entity that stole their friend/family member away. Maybe it has.
I don’t know. I know I’ve drifted away, but I’m also there. I hear you and I see you. But something has taken over partially and I can’t overthrow it completely. It’s like two sides of me, the logical and level-headed one, and the illogical emotional one. They’re having a war in these moments. I’m hearing from both of them, at the same time. It’s conflicting and one always overpowers the other. There is no compromise between the two. The compromise is made when I snap out of it, which can happen whenever. There is no calculated solution; I wish I could give you the answers… I barely know them myself.
You see, I know what’s happening within me. But to communicate this to you is such a hard and tiring task that you still won’t understand by the end of it. I typically hold this in because what’s the use in revealing it to someone who can’t even dream of such a disaster?
Even as I write this, I’m not satisfied with what I’m laying out. I feel like the description I’m attempting to deliver isn’t getting through. The message is skewed. I see, hear, and feel it in my mind but I can transfer it here. If only I could pry my mind open and simply spill it onto the screen. If only it could absorb the madness in my mind…
I can’t make you understand. And trying to do so is exhausting. At the end of the day, I will always experience this alone.
I can’t predict my moods. They come when they want. I know what you’ll say, “wElL mAyBe yOu sHouLd LeArN hOw tO mAnAGe tHeM sO tHeY dOn’T cOnTrOl yOu.” Thanks! Not like I ever thought of THAT before… Not a single soul understands the hard work and all the effort I’ve invested in myself after learning about my mental state. It’s all I do. 24 fucking 7. It’s a full-time job. I refuse to be invalidated by anybody who thinks otherwise. Here’s a big FUCK YOU to anyone who tries to cross me and question me in regards to it.
Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. I can’t be who you want me to be 24/7. Sometimes I don’t even have to think, I can just live freely; unchained by the demons and shadows that lurk within me. Other times… I’m a prisoner to my own mind. There is no control. There is no warning. You are forced into the chamber and shot out in any random direction, and you can’t do a goddamn thing about it.
It’s absolute madness; if I could simply stop it, I would.
The shadows in me don’t care, not about a single thing. They suck the life out of me and erase everything I’ve ever felt. Other times, the demons within the shadows will pull the strings and cut them randomly so I’m all over the place. I feel everything. I react in ways I don’t want to react. I’m a slave to my own desolation.
There is no solid solution. I’m stuck right now. The shadows have gotten ahold of me. I’m so uncomfortable in my skin. I can’t escape it though, this is my reality. I can’t exchange anything. There is no bargaining. This is what I’ve been handed. I have to deal with it the best I can… and the best I can do is sometimes the worst.
I can’t fit myself in a simple solution. There is no simple solution for me. It’s the hardest math problem I’ve ever had to solve, and I’m CONSTANTLY solving it. No wonder I hate math. I can’t calculate myself and have a solid answer.
I’m a mess. I spill and splat everywhere. I’m overwhelming. I’m confusing. I’m inconvenient. I’m a burden. I know what you’re all thinking and what you want to say. I’ve done my best to stay out of the way, because I don’t want to be that person to you. I suffer in my own solitude. You won’t know. I won’t let you know. It’s best this way.
A switch changes constantly in me. You can’t predict my mood changes. I can’t either. To try and assume how I’m feeling is a futile task. I am the human embodiment of an emotional chameleon. If you walk away, I understand. I’ve learned to let go. I’ve learned that permanence was never promised. In order to maintain some sort of control, I’ll let you go first.
But you must understand… I’m silently unstable, and you may catch me in moments where I’m showing a bit of it. I don’t think clearly in these moments. I can’t make rational decisions. My impulsivity is at an all time high. You’ll be confused, but I can’t explain it. There’s no use. So please, just continue to live in your confusion, because you’re safe there.
I’m on the other side of your safe sanity, and sometimes I’m unreachable.
It’s alright. I’ll find my own way back.
Don’t worry about me, this is just how it’s meant to be.
I’ve survived this long on my own, I can keep going at it alone.