my reply.

“A willingness to try…” How do you tell someone you both want to try, but also will give up constantly and wish to die?

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over and over in my mind.

you’re ugly.you’re alone.you’re unlovable.you’re already unloved.you’re not worthy.you’re nothing.you’re worthless.you’re useless.you won’t amount to anything.you’re better off dead.you’re a burden.you’re broken.so very broken.you’re not wanted.you never will be.they’re all lying to you.listen to me.only to me.I’m your only friend.I’m your worst enemy.you can’t get rid of me.I’m here forever.you’re uncomfortable.you can’t get away.I’m all that […]

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This isn’t a suicide note.

Everyday I wake up with this existential dread, like why am I alive? Why bother? What’s the point? What am I even doing? There’s no place for me in the world. I’m not needed. I am of no significance. Sure people will miss me, but they’ll all move on with their lives. This void is […]

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shadows of you.

I love writing. I hate writing.I love life. I hate life.I love myself. I hate myself.I love you. I hate you. One thing is for sure, I hate this month. Last week was the one year anniversary of when I lost my mom. Since she died last year, this will be a year of seconds […]

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you want nothing in return, I feel guilty.

I haven’t written on my blog in months. I haven’t abandoned it. I just haven’t had the words to say, I haven’t had the energy to convey how I’ve been feeling about anything. However, I felt compelled to so today. I want to think that I’m this person who is capable of talking about her […]

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bittersweet stasis

I’ve started reading a book called “The Midnight Library” by my favorite author, Matt Haig. It’s about a 35 year old woman who decides to kill herself because nothing in her life is going right, and she feels she isn’t needed by anyone. But before she actually dies, she’s in between life and death- in […]

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I will (always) let you down.

I don’t sleep much anymore. I’ve never been the best sleeper though. But lately, for months now, I stay awake until anywhere between 3am-7am. I can’t make my mind slow down. There’s always thoughts flowing in and out, swirling around and suffocating me. It’s nearly 5:30am, and I’m writing this post and crying too. My […]

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The ocean will remain.

Reality and dreams, nothing is ever as it seems. I don’t know what lies beyond the horizon. I’m closing my eyes, imagining all the possibilities. Calculating every choice and every decision I could make. It’s overwhelming… but I’m still breathing. I’m alive. When the dark clouds of misery wash over me, and I feel the […]

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the glass box.

I shouldn’t be awake right now. I should be sleeping… but I’m haunted again by one of my worst memories. My eyes try to release it as much as they can. My tears understand. My pillow is damp. I’m frozen. I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep until I let this out. I wanted to leave […]

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