Existential crisis forever.

I was working today, and I work hard. I work in a coffee shop, but I don’t make the coffee. I’m the bar back, the “runner,” in other words, the bitch of the shop.

While I’m running around, doing everything to fill in the gaps of the people behind the bar, there’s a voice screaming in my head… “This can’t be it. This can’t be your life. You are a failure. Why aren’t you trying hard enough? Why are you so pathetic and useless? You have no skills to offer to the world. You will never be anything.” These voices haunt me all day.

As I watch all the people pass me by, I wonder how their lives are. I wonder if they’re successful and happy in every way. I know I’m not alone in this struggle, but I still feel so isolated and broken. I feel I will never be good enough for anyone, but mostly myself.

I feel stuck. I feel afraid. I feel too much. It’s difficult to steer away from these negative emotions and thoughts. I find myself lost in a dream instead of reality. At least in my dreams, my life is better than what it really is.

Then I lose my train of thought and come back to real life. I stand there at work, eyes glazed over, head stuck in a fog. I realize I hate what I do and I hate that I work so damn hard for such little pay. I bust my ass and it’s rarely good enough. Constantly getting orders barked at me. I feel so tired and drained (mentally and physically) after every shift. I don’t find any joy or fulfillment in what I do. I like my coworkers, but the work itself is just soul-crushing.

There’s gotta be more to life than this. I wish I was better. I want to be better. I need a miracle because I can’t find it in myself.

Life is difficult and I’m in stuck in limbo and can’t seem to wake up.


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These are the musings of a 32 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

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