Wonder What’s Next.

I was sitting in my therapists office today. I wasn’t completely present, not until she said something that resonated within me. Something I never quite thought of.

“Being in a relationship in this time of your life actually hinders you from developing your own self. Your feeding your own energy into someone else in the relationship, and then there isn’t much left for yourself to tap into.” Something along the lines of that, that’s how I heard it.

For so long, I’ve had these relationships where I gave my all. Their feelings, their wants and needs, it’s all I saw and I did all I could to tend to them before myself. But I didn’t realize that I never looked into myself and took the time to care for my wants and needs. I always put the other person first. Then I would wake up every morning, my heart still missing something, still partially empty because of something I couldn’t seem to reach… My own potential within MYSELF.

I give myself away too easily to the men I fall for. Sacrificing my own happiness, wants and needs for the other person without noticing. Well, I’m noticing now. My eyes are open and aware of the mistakes I’ve been making, and I won’t let it happen anymore.

I’ve been too afraid to just be alone with myself. I’d rather live alongside someone else and just blend into who they are, rather than separate myself as an individual. I willingly give into the notion that I am incomplete if I don’t have someone to be with. I forget myself when I fall in love… I abandon myself.

Not anymore.

My existence is valid. My wants and needs are valid. Working towards a better life for myself is 100% valid… And I don’t need a man to take that away from me anymore.

This has been all my experience, by the way. Many people are able to co-exist with another person without much trouble. I realize this, but this is one of my biggest problems that I must fix.

From now on, I will consciously put my needs first before anyone else. It’s going to be hard to make that change because all my life I’ve done the complete opposite; I think it’s time to be selfish now.

I must honor my own truth now. I must work on my own life, and become the person I want to be. I deserve to live a life filled with success and happiness that isn’t to be found in someone else. I will create my own destiny. I won’t allow myself to willingly give that up in the name of love. I will learn to love MYSELF again.

And maybe one day––after I’ve given myself the chance to shine––I will be able to let someone else in that can share my glory with me.

I am my own, no one will take that away from me anymore… And neither will I.




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These are the musings of a 32 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

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