Sincerely, BPD.

I’ve got to be honest…

My happiness depends on you.
I don’t mean to put this burden on you, so I don’t dare say a thing.
I will suffer in silence so you don’t know the storm that’s really inside of me.
My well-being waits for you to be okay so that I can be okay.

I’m sorry.
I don’t want to scare you away.

Your validation swims in my veins.
The love you give me consumes me until I’m empty again.
I come to life when you are around.
Then I’m dead and hollow inside when you leave.
I don’t remember the sweet things you said.
I can’t recall the lines on your face.
I forgot what your voice sounded like.
I’ve lost myself.

I’m sorry.
You must be so afraid.

I have all this love to give
You are the only one I want to give it to.
I hang on every word you say.
I swim inside the ocean that fills up your eyes.
Then you look away.
I wonder what I’ve done to make you hesitate.
I pick apart myself to find the thing that ruined everything.
It’s all my fault.
I’m broken and flawed.

I’m sorry.
I never meant to be so complicated.

But then you look back into my soul.
Suddenly the pain that ate me alive is gone.
I can breathe again because you are here.
The silent chaos inside me has subsided.
Your smile melts my heart.
I’ve never felt so in love.

But the suspicion floods back in.
The uneasiness begins to whisper to me.
It makes me want to run away.
I can’t trust you.
You never cared.
How could you be okay when I wasn’t?
You didn’t notice me.
I suffered in silence.
I don’t want you anymore.
Alone is all I’ll ever be.
I will keep my pain inside.
You won’t know until it’s too late.

I’m sorry.
You never asked for this.

The storm blows over for good.
You’ve gone away.
I’m alone again.
I’ve destroyed the hope of tomorrow.
I’ve carved out this heart made of stone.
Even though I am alone.
I am finally my own.

The heart ache of yesterday has shaped me today.
I’ve scaled every part of my soul.
Nobody could ever make me whole.
I’ve built these walls high.
Now nobody will ever get inside.
My agony will never bleed through.

I swear I’ll set fire to all the desire I may feel.
I’ll look away from any gaze that comes my way…

…I’m sorry,
What was your name?



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These are the musings of a 32 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

4 thoughts on “Sincerely, BPD.

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