Into the void.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. I haven’t had the motivation or energy to put something out into the world. I also feel like I’ve said everything there is to say. I’ve just reached a point to where I’m just in the background of my own life, watching it pass me by. It’s as if the world is moving along without me, even though I still exist somehow in it. What is there to say about the pathways in my mind? You are all familiar with that if you read my blog consistently. I’m just going through the motions.
Like my therapist says, I’m just a piece of paper blowing in the wind. I go wherever the wind takes me. I land somewhere for a moment, maybe awhile, then am blown away again in another direction. I have nothing to really ground me. I twist and turn, and I eventually slip away.
I’ve accepted the part of me that is buried in discomfort. It’s become part of my reality- there is no running away from it. I hear voices all around, I see many eyes that stare at me… or so I think. Perhaps the paranoia in my head makes me believe these delusions. There’s my body, sitting here in a chair, typing these words… but am I really here? Moments go by and I’ve forgotten those moments as they pass. This is my life. Why? What is poisoning my present view? I’m still finding it difficult to find the answer to that question.
I look in the mirror and see this face. Who am I? Who is the person staring back at me? Why does it feel like this isn’t my body? Why do I feel like my hands betrayed me?
What is this life you live? Why have you chosen those who exist in your world to continue existing? The earthly entities that keep you tied down will eventually fade away too. You fall asleep with your heart cracking and pain in your heart. You wake up empty. You wake up unknown. Deadly thoughts pass through your mind. They echo about throughout the day when you least expect it. They pay you an uninvited visit. You breathe the oxygen that somehow suffocates you all the same time. Who are you?
Consciousness fades in and out… in and out… I’m alive and dead all at the same time. How could that possibly be? I have so many questions that I ask myself because nobody else seems to know. But I remain stuck because the answers I give myself bring me to a dead end just the same as those I ask.
I’ve sold my soul to the unknown.
I wander this world alone…
…and that’s the debt I owe.