All the medication in the world couldn’t elevate me to where I want to be.

 

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There’s so many moments, days and nights all throughout the years that I’ve tried to suppress. I’ve blocked them out because to look back and see those awful things swirling above my head like the darkest cloud is just too much to be surrounded in again.

But sometimes, all the avoidance in the world still isn’t enough to hold them all back. It forces in, encompassing you and swallowing you right up. They force you to relive everything you desperately wanted to forget.

Here I am, chained back into the darkest memories. I feel so far away from the present world I’ve created for myself.

I don’t let the past dictate me… but it does reside in the back of my mind; I’ve been compromised. Something has triggered one of the most painful memories of them all.

I hate to feel this all over again. I hate myself for not being able to pull myself out of it. Like any of it matters anyway… nothing matters. Why does trauma exist? Maybe if we didn’t label it, it would just be a thing that occurred as I lived on. Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time where none of these labels and ideas existed. Sometimes I wish it was just simple. Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist at all. That day will happen someday eventually. It’ll happen for all of us.

Even the thought of that drops inside my heart like a ton of bricks. Why do I have to feel that? The is no reason to feel it.

But here I am, and I do feel it. And I can’t shake it off. So I must live each day and let it pass through me, not wanting this feeling at all to even exist. Who programmed me to have these thoughts and feelings exist? Why? I can’t answer my own question. I can’t even formulate what I’m trying to say. None of this makes sense.

I hate that I’m not okay. I hate that it hurts to talk about it. I hate that isolation has become a coping mechanism for me. I hate that I cry over this bullshit that doesn’t even matter in the end.

All the medication in the world couldn’t make me forget everything that has happened. I take these medications for several reasons. But even so, they can’t fix everything. A miracle pill simply doesn’t exist. If it did, perhaps we’d all be swallowing it.

And so I swallow my medication and “hard-to-swallow” pills daily. I face the day. I lie alone at night. Everything is as it should be.

But the past has found me in the present and is keeping my eyes open and my bitter heart bleeds. I know age is just a number but the past has yanked me back to the years I don’t want to relive.

I’ve been led into a situation that has resurfaced itself from my childhood. I exist in my shell of an almost 29-year-old body, but inside lives the 14-year-old who was forced to be so much older back then. My eyes saw things nobody that young should’ve seen. And right before my eyes now, it’s all visible again. Bitter and sad tears now fall for every second I was forced to live through.

So here I am now, picking up the pieces of the shattered past and trying to push it back together to the reality I had even a week ago. I’m floating in the stratosphere and looking down on the world I can’t reach.

Floating farther away… space is silent. But my thoughts and feelings are screaming so loud. I can’t concentrate on finding peace.

You’ve let me down again. You broke my heart again. You’ve contaminated the oxygen I breathe. None of it matters to you. I don’t matter to you.

I’m trapped between love and forgiveness, and in the hate and sorrow I tried to leave behind. Everywhere I look is unclear. It’s like somebody shattered my glasses and threw away my contact lenses. I close my eyes and turn away. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to feel anymore… but I do.

I feel my scars burning. I can see it all so clearly and it terrifies me. I feel it all flooding back in.

 

I feel ashamed.

…

Do you?

 

 

xoxo,