I want to go home.

I don’t belong here.

In my solitude is where I’ve found something that could represent a home. My blood runs cold. Heavy tears fall from my eyes and the clouds rain on me. A glimmer of sunlight cracks between the dark clouds, the warmth trying to beckon me. I feel it, but I remain frozen inside… I’m frozen in time.

I’ve failed.

The demons shift around inside my head, they fall into my heart and tear it apart. My emotions flood overflow. They mix together and are no longer a thing of beauty. I am nothing to behold.

You turn away without another word, and I fall away. The death of today drowned me in grey. I can’t make you stay.

I hear the sweet screaming of a muse that lingers here, trapped inside my ears and has held me through the years. It tries to drown out the hateful voices in my head. It tries to fuel a new way to think. A new way to feel- some way to make me feel real. It can’t get through today. Who could really know? My fallen angels disappear.

Through the screaming and singing, my ears are ringing and my heart is bleeding. In this moment, I feel so alone.

Still searching for my home. Have I been forgotten and abandoned? Why am I choking inside? Why have you left me to die?

My name is not spoken. A heavy burden shouldn’t fall from your lips. It’s too much, I’m too much.

I can hear my name melting into the ground. I try to hear it somewhere else but it remains buried beneath the waking world.

My pain is my own, I’m not even to be relieved of the weight. I carry it on my own and I believe that it’s okay. How can I rest my trust in the hands of those who walk away? I was never promised a home. I don’t sleep soundly, my soul is on fire and on high alert, ready to flee from danger.

I just want to sleep. I’m tired and then I’m awake. Even while I awake I feel I’m asleep. It makes no sense, and yet I want you all to understand. Why am I suffocating in my own words? The language I speak is foreign and nobody seems to be able to understand it. You walk away because it’s too much to try. Frustration seeps in and there really is no reason to lay it to rest.

My bones are heavy as I try to move my feet. I try to focus on the road ahead. I’m on auto pilot. The switch inside me has flipped and I’ve fallen from where I once stood. I see the shadow you cast and I’m paralyzed as I try to scream for your help.

I’m infected by the demons that crawl and course through my brain and veins.

The poison kills me slowly each day. The antidote is nowhere to be found. You keep the cure to yourself and watch me burn down.

I wander endlessly while my head is stuck in a fog. I can’t think, and even blinking doesn’t come naturally. I know why I’m alone. On the outside, I must look insane to you all. I’m not enough to make you stay. I know you have to save yourselves. I can’t make you stay. I’m a prisoner to my own emptiness and I can’t be saved.

Walk away and see another day through the beautiful lens you look through. I envy the cure you keep to yourself. But I realize now that even if you shared the cure, my body would reject it. My own body doesn’t want me to find a place to call home and rest. My hand slips from the seams of sanity. You still walk away… and that’s okay.

My mind eats my alive, and you are so smart to run and hide.

 

Take cover.

 

You know better.

 

You always know better.

 

 

 

xoxo,
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