Are you afraid, afraid of the truth?
In the mirror staring back at you.
The image is cracked but so is the view.
And the strength of a tree begins in the roots
That I tend bury into you
At least now the storm can’t blow me away.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I’ll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me…
I’ll show you how it feels to be,
Fucked up like me…
I’ll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me,
Ashamed like me.

Schizophrenic Conversations / Staind / Chapter V

---

My body is heavy and my head is light. I’m swirling around in the words I’ve said and mistakes I’ve made. I’m looking into the broken mirror of hypocrisy and judgement. Who am I to point the finger at others, when I should have been pointing it at myself the whole time?

My conscious serves me well tonight in this miserable skin. I hear all the voices inside of my mind screaming at me, telling me I’ve done so wrong. Reminding me of my downfalls. Shoving all the evidence of my failings in my face. It all comes rushing in like a tsunami, not giving me a moment to breathe, think, or a chance to Run For Cover.

How dare I even think for a moment that I could control or bring upon a forced influence on another person? I feel sick because of myself. I’m no better than anybody. When did this web of confusion and flawed vision bury me inside of its thread? When did it all begin? Have I unpacked childhood trauma and placed it upon those I love? Have I no shame? No consideration? Don’t you see them?

Don’t you see yourself?

Perhaps I’m more blind than I think, more than I lead on or care to consider. I’m oblivious.

In this moment, I just want to seal myself inside a room with no windows or doors. I want to fall asleep and live inside a dream world where the sky is clear, and so is my mind.

Where do I begin? How do I walk this path now that I have demolished the sidewalk I stepped along on all these years? The crumbling concrete serves as a reminder of all the unsteadiness I brought upon others and myself.

If I was to be shattered, I don’t think I’d feel alive. My own thoughts and feelings have betrayed me. I stare at the wall as if something is going to come through and reveal itself. What could be on the other side?

To be human is to be flawed, but that doesn’t give me the right to point out the flaws of others. I must let go of the essence of control and wanting. We may all share the same oxygen, but I won’t poison your breath with my own.

Let your heart beat on. Don’t give in to what others say and feel.

Judge only yourself and what you stand for. You are your own. Answer and abide to what lies inside of you.

I can’t stand what I see in the mirror… yet I shattered it long ago. Nobody should ever have to pay for the shards that cut me deep. The blood is on my hands, and I can’t hand someone the towel to stop the bleeding without their hands getting dirty.

I must answer to what is still inside of myself. I hear the memories, mistakes and lessons calling me. Maybe I should listen instead of judging them, too.

 

I must face my own soul.
I must give up control.

 

Without my sanity, I’ll never be whole.

 

I never meant to be so cold.

 

 

 

xoxo,