Today is the first time in a bit where I just wanted to stay under the covers. In any case, I haven’t left my bedroom. I feel heavy… so heavy.

I don’t have the strength to pick myself up. I feel like everyone has walked away, passing me by as they have more pressing matters in their own lives to tend to. They can’t be bothered to stop and look into my eyes; there is no curiosity flowing through their own veins. They’ve already assumed what lies inside of me.

Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe it’s just fine to not be checked in on. Maybe I don’t want it. Maybe I’m silently screaming inside for some help. Maybe I’ll just reject the offer anyway.

I lie awake at night with my face pressed in the pillow, wishing that the minutes that melt away could redeem something I lost long ago.

Do you ever feel the moment somebody starts to slip away? Can you trace the invisible outline of where they once stood near you, but now it’s disappearing? Can you feel their essence anymore? The sound of their voice begins to become more complacent. They’re tired. You’re tired of feeling worthless.

Everything changes. Nothing will ever be the same. The judgment has been casted upon you and you can’t reverse time. You can’t take back the things you said. You can’t erase the moments you’ve already lived through. And while you stare blankly into nothing, your mind is nothing more than a personification of a messy scribble on a piece of paper.

Conveying the scribble is the bane of my existence. I can’t. You have to be inside my mind to understand. There are no words to relay the feeling and sensation of what is occurring inside of me.

I let it eat me alive until there’s nothing left of me.

I rebuild the destruction the scribble left behind, only for it to be swallowed up again soon after. The unstable fortress in my soul can’t be repaired completely. Put up the caution tape, there’s nothing to see here.

It doesn’t matter if I convey my words in any sense, they stumble and fall from my lips. My words and feelings aren’t valid; why should you care? Does anybody really truly care? I fight with this notion every day of my life. Is there a point? Why does what I say or feel matter in the end? Isn’t this life just for you? Where do I possibly fit in when there’s so much more significant things to build? I’ve shattered my world over and over, and as much as I crave love, I only poison it as well. Do you want your world to shatter?

I don’t feel worthy. Not for much. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I feel like an imposter of my own life. Does anybody really love the person that I see in the mirror? Who is she, really? A figment of your imagination, or the monster who resides somewhere in your reality?

My cry for help is weak. I haven’t the strength to seek what ails me. There’s too much to sift through. The chain reaction of thoughts in my head are piling up too high, there isn’t much I can do to bring it down. It all caves in on me and I’m alone now.

This is my self-created hell. I swear I never meant to be here. I never meant for this to exist. Falling forever, there’s nothing to grab onto that will break my fall. I keep slipping on every mistake, every dark thought, every feeling that refuses to die.

I’m painted in anger- underneath there is an ocean of sorrow and other emotions. Like an iceberg, you see just a bit of the surface. But if you were to dive deep under that visible layer, you’d drown trying to see everything else below it.

Who would want to waste their time and energy swimming in those dark waters? Drowning is a pain nobody should ever have to feel. To risk their own oxygen is too high of a cost to pay. It’s alright to save yourself- you can’t save every drowning soul.

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The iceberg that I am may feel some warmth, but deep below, it’s so dark and cold.

 

This is the demise I share alone.

 

xoxo,