It’s been 2 months since I’ve written a post. I’m sitting here trying to find the words to say, and it’s depleting my energy quickly. My head is cloudy, and my hands feel so heavy. I don’t want to type. I don’t know what to say. I have moments in the day where I feel like I want to open my laptop and type something up. But then just as fast as the desire comes, it’s gone again. Then I get angry at myself for feeling lazy and unproductive.
I forgot how to write. There’s no inspiration. No creativity. I’m looking at these words I’m typing out and they feel stupid. I also hate this new WordPress editor layout. It’s garbage, and that’s making me more upset.
2020 has been the worst year in my entire life. It’s been a shit year for almost everyone I think. And if not… well, fuck them and their wonderful life.
God, I’m so tired. I’m always tired. Everyday. And I don’t even do anything anymore. I’m not productive. I just stay at home because of the wonderful pandemic. Actually, about the only thing I do now is binge watching tv shows and watch movies, play video games, eat, and sleep (I’m surprised I haven’t gained 700lbs). So I’m basically useless.
This is our life now. This is the “new normal” and I loathe everything about it.
(I hate this new editor, where the fuck is the word counter???)
I’m rewatching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It’s such a good show. It’s about a girl who has BPD, though she doesn’t get diagnosed until season 3 after her suicide attempt. I always cry watching that episode and the one where she’s diagnosed. It makes me think of when I was diagnosed in 2014. I couldn’t believe there was a name to what I felt and the things I did. I cried when the psychiatrist diagnosed me before I went to a mental health hospital. I wonder what my life would be life now if I never got the diagnosis.
Anyways, the show is actually very humorous, upbeat (most of the time) and theatrical with show tunes. Ironically, I’m not usually a fan of musicians. But I absolutely love the songs they sing in the show. All original and so unique. What I love about the show though is that it does shed light on mental health and the stigmatization of it. If you’re looking for a show to binge, I highly recommend this one.
This blog post isn’t laced with creative words and poetic lines like it usually is. It feels more like an update than anything. I’m only existing. Surviving. The colors of my world have been drained out of me and I can’t find a way to bring them back. Life literally feels like it’s just grey. Who am I kidding though, I act as if this is a rarity for me.
The distractions are all I have. Facing reality is bleak and painful. I already know what’s out there. It’s just so much safer inside (literally). I’m in my own bubble that nobody can get through. It’s self-protection. I’m depressed and numb most of time. Irritation and anger like to make appearances too. I feel drops of happiness every now and then, but the blazing hot sun evaporates them all too quickly. I hate the sun. Why do I live in California again? I’m from here, but sometimes I wish I was still living in Philly. I miss the seasons.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Why am I writing this again? I have nothing interesting to say. I’m half-alive. I’m getting by just like everyone else is.
I dream that one day I’ll magically wake up and the thick glass that has surrounded me will shatter and the freedom will re-energize me. I’ll feel alive again, right? The colors will have returned and I’ll be able to love everything I used to, right?
2 thoughts on “I miss the colors of the world.”
Sharing is the most beautiful thing. Thanks for your thoughts. Your inside world is real. Keep walking 🥰👍🏻
1. WordPress changes–I know right!!! I haven’t figured out, with this new format, how to put an actual space in my writing ( like between paragraphs.) It shows a space in my draft, but when I go to publish, the lines are all together. Bah! 2. Your writing is relatable. The “grey” you talk about, is like describing various chapters in my life. I have written poems about this, grey. It is very hard to describe to some people, but it’s rather comforting when I read of others who get it though I’m also sorry you do. Know you are not alone. Some seasons are super super tough and it sounds like you are in one. Know you are always still a beautiful light in this world–even when you don’t feel it. Sending vibes of hope for you and for the journey to show you clear skies and rainbows yet to come. ❤