I’m floating away.
Don’t really want to see another day.
But I’m going to stay.
If I’m going to stay, I need reasons.
I need reasons… big and small, if I’m going to stay alive.
I don’t hear voices in my head, it’s not some kind of hallucination.
But there is one voice that is so vicious and angry and abusive.
It’s my dark and intrusive voice in my head- a plague that I never asked for.
And I am so unkind to myself. I hear myself. And I drain out my own inspiration. I break my own heart.
I tell myself lies and assumptions. I don’t hear out rationalities when this voice comes out.
It takes a bit of magic to make that voice go away. And even then, sometimes the magic isn’t quite enough.
Because this goes on and on and on…
The voice does subside eventually. But it waits. It waits for me, always. I can never shut it out completely.
And tonight, the voice that is me almost won. I lied and said I was alright. I wasn’t.
I cried a thousand tears.
My head and body reeled in pain.
But I told myself that I’m a burden.
That I’m unloved.
That I’m worth nothing.
That I will always be abandoned and left alone.
That I ruin all that glimmers and shines.
That life isn’t worth living anymore.
And the saddest truth is that this won’t be the last time.
I will have to fight, over and over and over to make my intrusive voice subside.
But I have to remember the reasons to stay alive.
I have decided to make a list of those reasons, big and small, in no particular order.
Here are 31 reasons. A reason for every year I’ve been alive:
- the comfort I feel when it rains
- apple cinnamon candles
- video games
- freshly laundered bed sheets, blankets, and pillow cases
- driving my car
- iced coffee
- my cat
- tarot cards
- how I feel when I sing
- my sister
- taking pictures
- effortless sleep
- bonchie and R
- twitch streaming
- see’s chocolate
- the seasons
- Marvel movies
- the sweet child
- patio hangouts
- midnight sky over the beach
- holding hands
- that first drink of water after being so thirsty
- when the wind swirls around you just right
- fuzzy warm feelings
- embracing him one day
Upon typing this list, I know there’s more to live for. But I’ll leave it at those for now.
I will live. I will breathe. I will prevail, over and over, as best as I can.
I’ll cry and hurt still. I know I’ll want to die, this won’t ever be the last time.
But for all those reasons above, I will stay alive.
I will eventually hush the violent voice in my mind with the magic of those reasons.
I will try.
I will try.
I will try.