Life is so unpredictable.
I don’t know why it surprises me, I mean… it shouldn’t. Existence is just so random. Being human is bizarre. Being human can be really great, but being human also hurts.
Sometimes I wonder if it hurts more for others? Does it hurt more for people like me?
I just can’t believe I’m 31 and still feel this way. I wake up and I don’t FEEL 31. I feel so young and yet so old and I’m trying to figure out how that works. I’m trying to “find” myself still. Do we ever stop finding ourselves? How do we find a way back to who we are? Is it an endless road? Are we always searching for ourselves until we die?
I read this blog post earlier. The blogger wrote about how they feel like they don’t have a purpose, and that THAT can be okay. Existing is completely fine. Some people have these divine “ah-ha!” moments in their life, but what if some others don’t? It just really made me think. All my life, I’ve been trying to figure out what my “ah-ha!” moment is. I thought my calling was music. I thought I was going to be some big musician and go tour around the world. But it takes a lot of hard work and luck to get to that point. I didn’t put in the hard work, and my luck has never been great. So I’ve just dabbled in music in my own little ways. Being able to sing at all brings me joy. I have a Youtube channel that’s basically all just me singing cover songs with a couple originals that I’d like to redo. But I think underneath it all, I’ve just grown up wanting to entertain people in some way. And as strange as it sounds, being able to entertain and connect with people on Twitch has made a difference in how I feel about myself. I had never heard of Twitch until just last year. I was encouraged by my best friend and ex-boyfriend (who is still my friend, never thought I’d say that about an ex since the ones before him ended horribly). I’m so grateful that I had them to help me get this started.
I’ve been wandering aimlessly through life, unable to figure out what I wanted to really do. The only issue with streaming on Twitch is that it is definitely oversaturated with so many other streamers. I feel like it’s hard to stand out. I do my best to just be authentically me and hope that’s enough to keep people around. And it seems like it’s been working. Just tonight, one of my good friends I met through Twitch just told me how they were feeling some type of way about this thing I’ve built, with my community and my channel, and how they’re happy to be part of it. And that just kinda choked me up and made me smile big because I was feeling sad about some other stuff. Whenever I get recognition for things I’ve done, it feels strange to hear. I don’t know what to do with that! It almost feels… unreal. And even now, just writing about it is so bizarre.
Yes, I am building this community. And for some reason I feel undeserving of it. I’m trying to figure that out. Why do I feel like I don’t deserve good things like love and attention? I guess maybe it’s because I’ve just been fighting my whole life for both of those things. So when I finally get them, I’m like “??? Wait, people actually WANT to stay around me? They actually like me??? That’s unheard of. They’re lying. They’re staying out of pity.” But I have to tell myself, “Amy. You are worthy of being liked and loved, you deserve attention, you’re enough for yourself, for these people and you belong here.” And I have to keep reminding myself of this. We’re all worthy of being loved. It’s so hard to believe it myself, but if I can believe it for other people, then I need to try harder to believe it for myself, too.
So for now, the path that I’m on, it feels right. Unfortunately my streaming career is not quite financially sustainable entirely. I really hope so one day. If I didn’t have to pay rent and maybe one other bill, then I’d be fine. Looking for consistent work has been difficult, and my unemployment money is running out. I’ve been job hunting but also frozen in fear because I’m unsure as to what’s going to happen. I live alone and have to pay a nice chunk of money to afford rent. With covid and all, finding work has been challenging, and I have certain things that prevent me from working out in the public. So I’ve been looking for remote work, which I really hope I can find. I’ve had a lot of interviews but unfortunately no luck yet. But I’m trying to hold on and stay confident in my abilities. I have to keep telling myself that I am a hard worker and have a lot to offer to whoever I can be employed with. So I won’t stop trying, and I hope that if you’re reading this, you can keep your fingers crossed for me that I find something ASAP.
I think maybe we never fully stop finding who we are. We never stop growing. We never stop building ourselves up.
I think we just keep going. We keep walking down our roads. And we meet others along the way that still continue on their roads, and we join each others journeys. Some people are valuable, like the beautifulest gems, and you hold onto them and they stay infused in your journey. Then there are others who shine, but eventually dull out and fall away. Then there’s just straight up pothole-type people who try to turn your journey into one big fucking pothole, like their own broken road. But you just have to keep going and hope you’re strong enough to withstand the bumpy roads.
I am my own home, but I find solace in others, too. And I will always eventually find my way back to myself. But there will be times where I have to go to someone else’s home to get fresh air because my home becomes a bit too stuffy.
It’s 4:40am, and these are my thoughts.
This life is painful, more painful than I can bear at times. I’ve wanted to end my journey, and I’ve tried. I think of my ending often, but I don’t want to act on it again. I fall and I fail, but I still rise, over and over. Don’t be mistaken, there are joyous moments too. So many. For all the black and white I see, there’s a kaleidoscope of colors. Prisms that pierce through me. As much as I embrace others, I will continue to learn to embrace myself. There is so much love I have to offer, and have given, and will give. There are gemstones I have, some who have fallen away, and there are gemstones to be found along the way that I will take with me along this journey.
I have to remember that I, myself, can be the shiniest gemstone, too.
But to you, reader, I say… never stop shining, never stop finding your gemstones, never stop walking your path, please.
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Still wandering at 51 here
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