a new year: a new way to bleed.

Happy new year, everyone. I truly hope 2022 isn’t as barren as the last few years have been. It’s hard to think otherwise, as my nihilistic tendencies have intensified so much.

There have been countless times where I’ve wanted to write here. It’s been months. But I just haven’t had the words to say. It’s been an emotional few months. The last time I had wrote a post, it was in regards to my heart in which had just been broken. But I kept moving forward, because why waste my time with someone who didn’t want me anymore? It was a hard couple of months trying to shake it all off, but I did. I came out of it on the other side. I still wish that person well, but it made me harden a little bit. It made me a bit more apprehensive. It made me feel like I was too much, and made me feel like maybe all that I am isn’t really worth it in the end.

Writing after a long time is like shaking off the cobwebs in my brain. I want to write, I really do. I have all these things on my mind, and yet I can’t seem to formulate the words to make coherent thoughts that become sentences for you all to read. I can’t make my brain stop running and yet when I come here to write, or open a journal to write, I seem to dissociate. Forcing myself to write is a fucking chore. Even sitting here right now on my couch with my laptop is kind of like pulling teeth. But I feel like if I don’t bother to try and write, then I’ll just never write again… Even if it’s absolute garbage, I shouldn’t abandon it completely because I know I’m good at it, and I know there’s something there underneath those cobwebs.

So this new year… here we are. We can turn our lives around at any time- but for some reason, we as a society think there’s no better time to “reinvent” ourselves than the start of a new year.

I think we should always strive to be the best version of ourselves, even when we slow down and everything seems bleak. Staying the same through time is just exhausting. I don’t want to stay the same- as if my soul isn’t growing.

Even though life feels so bleak, exhausting, depressing, heavy, and like we’re just mice stuck in a never-ending maze with no cheese at the end… I have to keep finding my cheese. This bleakness that has enveloped us all can’t be all there is.

I don’t know what’s to come this year. All I can do is continue to face the storm that we’ve been stuck in for the past couple of years. And through this pain and madness, I still want to keep an open heart. I want to be ready for whatever may come. Am I scared? Yes. But I can’t close off possibilities and opportunities. I have to keep inspiring myself, even in the smallest ways. Life is so hard and tiring, and I do really feel like giving up constantly… but I just have to hold on somehow. I have to believe in myself, and I have to remember that there are those who love me and do care.

I just know there’s something there for me. I’m afraid, but I have to believe.

I won’t give up.
The cheese is there.

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These are the musings of a 32 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

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