I should be sleeping, but I’m writing this instead.
My head is spinning with so many thoughts, it’s difficult to keep myself tethered to the present. Can I organize my thoughts? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m hurting because my own brain has flooded me and is drowning me in my insecurities and uncertainty. For someone who is unstable and afraid of the unknown, I sure manage to get myself into uncertain situations.
I have a fear of abandonment. I don’t really know when that started, but I suppose somewhere in my childhood is where it manifested itself, then as I’ve gotten older through my teens, young adult, and where I’m currently at, it has cracked through and bleeds whenever I get close to someone. I think I tend to fall more for the other person than they do for me. Is it because I’m not good enough to be someone’s everything? Am I really anything besides this little broken soul? Who would want that after all?
I want so badly to be seen and wanted by the one I want. And yet I believe I’m nothing and that the one I want will never want me the way I want them, because I will have ruined the version of me that once lived in their head.. the version of me they actually liked.
I’m afraid if I’m not perfect, if I’m not everything they want and need, if I’m unstable and show the ugly parts of myself, if I show my vulnerability and insecurities, if I just… fail in every way, that they’ll leave. They’ll leave because they’ve had enough. They’ll leave because they finally see me for who I am. They’ll leave because they hate me and can’t spend another moment wasting their time with me. So I try to be the best I can be for them. But I know I’m unstable and my emotions dance everywhere and one minute I’m okay, and then next moment I’m not. And I try hard to conceal it… because if I falter, they won’t want me anymore. I wear this mask of wellness, but behind it is someone who hurts often and quietly stuffs it away and deals with it alone. Because I don’t want to be too much. So I don’t speak up, I smile and nod, I say “no way, it’s all good.” If you were passed over so many times, wouldn’t you want to put on your best smile and show the world you’re not worthless?
If I say the wrong thing, will they leave?
If I feel a certain way, will they leave?
If I look away in dismay, will they leave?
What if my intensity chases them away and I lose them for good?
What if they look too long in my eyes and see something wrong, will it be the end?
I’ve had a hard time with eye contact for a long time. I’ve tried to force myself to be better about it in recent times. I’m afraid if I let someone look too long, they’ll see all my flaws float to the surface and decide they don’t want any part of me anymore.
What if I remind them of someone they used to know?
What if they got away from that person, only for me to be that ugly reminder that I’m no different?
What if I’m not everything they thought they wanted?
What if they wake up and decide they were wrong about me?
What if I’m just a pretty facade that fooled them?
What if I’m not good enough?
What if I’m just too much?
What if I’m just a mistake?
I don’t want to listen to all these insecurities that push their way inside my mind. I feel defenseless against them tonight. My frontline soldiers that do their best to guard me from these poisonous thoughts have fallen and lost the battle.
The heavy emptiness is splitting me open wide and I feel all my sanity drain away.
I just need a reason to stop feeling this way. One good reason. I can’t convince myself tonight. I’m a prisoner to my insecurities tonight.
I’m alone in my invisibility.
I’m so afraid I’ve scared them away.
more will be revealed,