hello. I know, I know, I know. it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me. I’m still alive.

I haven’t written in a good, long while. I haven’t felt like it. I haven’t been inspired. everything I’ve felt has just sort of been stuck and lodged inside of my brain. just sort of tangled up in all the dark parts of me that always exist. people I know have tried to encourage me to write on here more regularly again, but I just can’t seem to make myself do it. well, until this very moment, I guess.

I usually type on my Macbook Pro. but I’m currently typing on my PC. I got a new keyboard, and it’s incredibly satisfying to type on. so, I suppose we should all thank the keyboard for this post. thank you, Keychron keyboard.

in all seriousness though, I’ve felt a small desire to write something in the last few days. you see, I have a favorite band. I have many favorite bands, but there’s one that has always stood out amongst the others, and they’re called Linkin Park. now I know you’re reading this, and are probably thinking, “what the hell is an almost 33 year old woman writing about a band from forever ago?” well, their lead singer, Chester Bennington, died by suicide back in July 2017. I feel like I may have written a post about it somewhere in time. hell, I didn’t even start this blog until Oct 2017 (I think). needless to say, his death affected me. more than any other “celebrity” death. which is strange, but like, it REALLY affected me. I had to leave my shift at the job I was working at the time because I was sobbing so hard that my manager sent me home. and fast forward to now- over the last few days, I’ve felt it really fucking hard. I don’t know if it’s because the band is releasing a 20th anniversary Meteora record with unheard songs that obviously have Chester on it (we’ve all heard the two that have been released so far), or if it’s because it would’ve been his 47th birthday less than a week ago, or the fact that nearly 6 fucking years have gone by without him being in the world anymore, and knowing myself and other Linkin Park fans will never get to hear any new songs sung by him ever again… well, it’s just got me really fucking hurting, choked up and lonely inside.

I watched a fan-made documentary about his life yesterday. it was less than an hour long, but as the documentary crept closer to the inevitable end of his life, I was sobbing. as someone who struggles with their own mental health, someone who’s tried to end their life, someone who has suffered with childhood/youth trauma, I’ve always struggled with suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation (there is a difference). and to watch my idol take his own life after everything he had because he was in so much pain and saw no other way out, well it just really fucking sucks. we all want to mean something, and we all want to mean something to someone. he was that for me. it sucks that he’ll never get to know that (or know how many other millions of lives he saved). in some other universe, I wish I could’ve known him and stopped him from doing that.

but at the same time, I also get it. I get why he took his life. and a lot of the time, it feels like that’s the way I’m also going to leave this world. there’s something strange about listening to stories of suicide and most people are probably like “oof I could never/wouldn’t want to go out that way” but for me… it’s sort of how I see my eventual end. I don’t know if that’s true, and in this moment I’m not having suicidal thoughts. the ideation is very frequent, but I’m not wanting to act on those ideations. because that’s all they are. and I know that seems alarming in itself but… well, I don’t know how to comfort someone that knows that about me. I think they maybe sort of know that that’s how I’m going out, or they’re hoping something will take me out another way, or maybe they just ignore it and hope those bad thoughts will go away. out of sight, out of mind, right?

I’m not standing here saying that dying by suicide is 100% the way I’m leaving earth. it just feels like it most of the time. I’m not sure what to make of it really. it is what it is– something I’ve been saying a lot lately, as many giant piles of shit have been surrounding me.

tonight I was perusing Youtube watching music videos, because that’s what I do 95% of the time whenever I’m on there. and I eventually got to Linkin Park videos. I watched Crawling, and then went into Breaking The Habit, and that’s when I started crying. watched Papercut (crying), then Somewhere I belong (crying), Leave Out All the Rest (crying), Numb (crying), Given Up (crying), From The Inside (crying), and Waiting for the End (crying). at that point, that’s when I decided to write this post so I could just get this feeling out into text. I know out of the people I know, I’m definitely the only one who’s been feeling this hard about him. and in a way I feel a little embarrassed because I didn’t even know the guy- why is it affecting me? like hello, think of his bandmates, his children, his wife. get over it, Amy. but it is what it is, and I’ll just be honest here in my little hole part of the internet.

I miss him. I hate the fact that I’ll never be able to hear his voice in new music, hear and see new interviews, won’t be able to see him live in concert, and never have the chance to ever meet him. my mind drifts to wondering what life would be like now if he were still alive, what he’d be creating, what he’d be doing, how he’d be doing (I certainly would be writing something else tonight).

he left an impression on me- a lifelong impression. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without his gift of music, without his existence. I just miss him. Seeing his face in photos, music videos, and hearing his voice soaring into my ears and crawling through every part of my brain makes me so sad but eternally grateful for being able to experience these moments. I could never turn off LP’s music because he’s gone, for their music has been a lifeline since I was a kid.

bittersweet understanding and everlasting appreciation to a friend I never got to meet- that’s all I wanted to say in this long-winded post.

I miss you, Chester- a lot of us do. but for now, I’m going to be selfish and just say that I miss you the most. you took a little piece of my heart with you when you left. I’ll try to keep this torch lit in your absence. thank you for the love and inspiration. you will truly never be forgotten by me.

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