This isn’t a suicide note.

Everyday I wake up with this existential dread, like why am I alive? Why bother? What’s the point? What am I even doing? There’s no place for me in the world. I’m not needed. I am of no significance. Sure people will miss me, but they’ll all move on with their lives.

This void is swallowing me whole again. All the dreams I ever had are so far away. I don’t have the means or motivation to try. I have no will to live. I just want to lay down and die. I’ll never find any fulfillment, and certainly won’t find anything worth doing while making money to survive on. I can’t make art. It’s locked up inside of me, and it doesn’t matter anyway. It really doesn’t.

I have to pretend to be strong for everyone else. I have to pretend to be ok so they can keep living their lives and doing what they want. I have no purpose and am so tired of suffering in silence. I don’t want to bother anyone else. I want to just fade away into the dark. Nobody will ever have to worry about me again. I won’t be an inconvenience to anyone anymore. I won’t have be considered for anything. I can barely carry my own weight, why would anyone else want to?

I’m a burden to myself and to others. I’m a waste of space and an insult to existence. I contribute nothing, and I’m so tired that I don’t think I would want to try if the opportunity to contribute were right in my face. The effort to do anything feels impossible. I’m almost 31, nobody is going to hold my hand and lead the way. I’ve been trying to do that for myself and I’ve gotten nowhere. I can’t ask others to do that for me. It’s burdensome and selfish.

I have nothing left, and have had nothing for so long. I’m afraid of living. I want to die, but I’m too afraid to even take my own life. So I’ll just continue to rot in this purgatory until I die of old age, or if something else takes my life. I don’t know what’s on the other side of this life, but I hope it doesn’t bring pain.

I hope I can see my mom again someday.

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These are the musings of a 32 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

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