I don’t sleep much anymore. I’ve never been the best sleeper though. But lately, for months now, I stay awake until anywhere between 3am-7am. I can’t make my mind slow down. There’s always thoughts flowing in and out, swirling around and suffocating me. It’s nearly 5:30am, and I’m writing this post and crying too. My mind won’t turn off.
It can be overwhelming. I can’t breathe.
I want to piece my thoughts together. I want to make them make sense. I want to release myself and open up wide for all to see, but I can’t. Then I start thinking, maybe I really don’t want to. Or maybe it’s the poison that’s been flowing through my veins that’s telling me that. I can’t separate myself from the darkest parts of me. I try hard to turn away, but it’s got a hold on me, oh so tightly.
I’ve withdrawn and pulled away from the world. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same again. I try to distract myself and numb the pain with my phone, tv, video games, and food. These are just quick fixes. I’m endlessly looking for something to fill the void that can never be filled. I used to crave love and attention. But now I hide away from it. It’s too uncomfortable. It’s foreign. It’s unfamiliar. At some point, this heavy and dark feeling finally became too strong to fend off. I’m inside of it. I’m looking at the world through it. The view is cracked and frayed, just like how my heart and soul feel.
Once upon a time, I swore I had a heart.
I want nothing and I feel I deserve nothing. My future doesn’t exist. There are no hopes and dreams. I eventually fall asleep, and then I wake up. This is my reality now, day in and day out. There’s nothing worth fighting for. And yet I still open my eyes and repeat it all again. There’s no direction. There’s no consistency. There’s just me: a silhouette in my own life. Watching from far away and feeling completely helpless.
I miss the moments where I felt alive. I miss being able to recognize the joy in my heart. I miss feeling the energy of another as if it were my own. I should feel this. I should, but I can’t feel a thing except emptiness and sorrow.
I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to watch as my tears fall. They fall and there isn’t a hand to wipe them off my face.
The walls I’ve built and surrounded myself with get higher each day. The walls move with me as I run. I’m running while frozen in time. How can that be? What am I even running towards? I think I’ve just ran straight into the dark, and I can’t find the light to lead me back home.
I’m frozen. I’ve lost myself. I have no purpose. My existence is meaningless. And I’m keeping everyone away so they’re not frozen with me in this stasis. I don’t want to anchor down anyone as they grow and progress, as I simply exist here like dead weight. If people expect good things from me, I’ll only let them down. My instability is the only thing they can truly rely on to be there. That’ll always show up, one way or another.
This isn’t a matter of seeing the glass half empty or half full. My glass is severely cracked and breaking. I want to capture what people put in, but it slips away. I have nothing to give from my broken cup. I can’t find anything to hold it together.
I look back in time, to January of this year. I got on a plane and left the country. I was ready for good things to come. I was happy. I had hope… who knew when I’d come back home, a completely different person would be stepping off that plane. My whole world shattered when my mom died. Everything has changed. Everything I once had has rotted away and I can’t bring it back to life. I see no point in looking forward, but I don’t want to look back. So I just… exist in the empty present.
I’m a prisoner to my own emptiness. I look outside myself and see no color. I don’t know what to do anymore. I had hope, but it’s gone.
I have nothing left.
You believed in me,
but I’m broken.