“A willingness to try…”

How do you tell someone you both want to try, but also will give up constantly and wish to die?

How do you wake up one day, feeling the life in your veins, only for it to go away within hours?

How do you try and make sense of what you’re trying to say, when you hardly believe in it yourself?

Truth and honesty hurt. And honestly, my inconsistent nature will make people turn away. I’m a liability.

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I will rise, I will fall- then I’ll want to sleep through it all.

I will smile, I will cry- everything will make me want to die.

I’ll have hope, maybe I’ll even dream- but all painful whispers can turn into a scream.

I’ll give you hope, but I’ll let you down- in our collective disappointment, I will drown.

I’ll find reasons to die, then to stay alive- but eventually the instability will make you want to say goodbye.

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I could find my way into the sky. I could breathe so deep, I’d finally feel alive.

But without missing a beat, everything explodes and suddenly I’m alone.

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My foundation is cracked and it’ll crumble. I’ve tried to fill in the spaces between, but nothing stays for good. It doesn’t even stay for long.

How do you make someone understand something they’ve never lived through, when you’ve been this way forever?

It’s not an easy fix. There is no permanent fix. This is who I am.

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I could learn new tricks and try to learn your ways- but I’ll always fall back down, no matter what you say.

I’m okay, but I swear I’m not okay. It’s black and then it’s white. There’s not much else to say.

The willingness to try is there. But it’ll be inconsistent. I can’t promise consistent happiness. I can’t live up to some expectation.

I am broken,

but I’m still alive.

That’s proof of my willingness to try.

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