Been having the worst writers block lately. I’m trying to force myself to write, but the shit that comes out hardly makes sense to me.
I had a bit of a meltdown last night, alone in my room. I haven’t cried as hard as I did in a long time. It’s like everything I’ve been holding inside myself bled out in the form of my tears. All the poison and shame just leaked out.
I wrote a blog post as I was going through the pain. I messed up while attempting to save it, and ended up pasting some text from a previous copy over the post. It’s okay though, it was cathartic to write. But it didn’t make sense. It would’ve been concerning to those who would’ve read it.I was searching for an email in my archive folder, and I stumbled upon old emails between K and I. Everything inside of me froze, and I couldn’t stop myself from rereading them. It has been a long time since I saw them. They were sent 3 years ago, nearly to the date.
The emails were very black then white. Super emotional and sweet, then hurtful and volatile.
That’s when I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The floodgates opened. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t bother trying, my tears felt so good to be released. But all the while I just felt this deep cutting pain inside of my being. I won’t lie, I thought about cutting myself, but I didn’t. I restrained myself that much, and that’s something to be proud of.
Although, I’ve been scratching myself in my sleep lately. I don’t know if that’s my unconscious self trying to hurt me while I’m unaware.
I feel shame for the feelings regarding this whole situation with K. I keep telling myself I’m weak and pathetic for even thinking about this. I’m still mourning though, that’s the bottom line. I’m mourning the relationship that meant the world to me. It meant so much to me, that I nearly died because of it. All I wanted was him, but reflecting back on it, I know I made the right decision. It doesn’t make it hurt any less though.
I still feel like a fucking idiot for even giving it/him my time. And I don’t speak about it to anyone because they’ll say the same. It’s a frustrating conversation because I know anyone won’t want to continue the conversation. It’ll just end with, “Well you’re better off now. Anyways, what do you want for lunch?” When in reality, I want to tell someone how my heart breaks anytime someone mentions Philly, or how my stomach turns in knots when I hear the Philadelphia Eagles are going to the Super Bowl. I wish someone would help me through these thoughts and feelings. I don’t think anyone is up for the task though. So I will just keep this inside and slowly chip away at it, even if it means more meltdowns.
On another note, I’ve returned to the gym. After months of not going due to the car accident and my knee injury, I’m easing myself back into it. I’ve been eating like shit and been too nervous and depressed to even bother trying to build my strength up. But I realized that working out helps me like myself. And I could sure use some self-confidence right now. I’m trying to eat less sugar too, that’s very difficult for me. I’m the sugar queen.
I’m looking for better days. Sometimes I win… Sometimes it’s just hard looking at myself in the mirror. But I know that the girl in the reflection is still trying.
2 thoughts on “Shame Still Circles Beneath Me.”
Keep being strong, Amy. You can do this. I’m here if you ever want to have a real conversation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Tanya, that means a lot x