Life has been feeling mundane lately. All I do is work, then go home, sleep, rinse and repeat. I still haven’t found meaning in my life… What’s wrong with me? I can’t be the only one who feels this way though. I feel debilitated by fear, these invisible chains holding me back from reaching anything. They’re heavy, and they make me so tired… I’m just so tired, so I don’t try to break free from them anymore.
I’m listening to a Podcast called “The Savvy Psychologist.” So far I’ve heard two segments, one about why we choose unhealthy partners, and another about gaslighting.
My ex gaslit me all the time. I felt so inadequate and insane. I hated myself so much because I couldn’t trust myself. Every fight was like a knife into my chest. Every moment of silence was the knife going in deeper and being twisted. It was pure agony, something I can barely describe. I was frozen inside this paranoia, my reality didn’t feel real. I always thought to myself, “Please let me be dreaming… Please wake up.” But I never did, because I was wide awake. Even sleep didn’t ease my pain, because as soon as I woke up, the knife was still there, resting inside my chest.
I still have these moments where I suddenly miss him. Where does the feeling come from? I know it’s wrong. It’s like he’s there in my subconscious, whispering to me, luring me back in. I remember one morning I woke up, and my heart literally hurt. As if my beating heart was breaking all over again. I felt the uncomfortable emptiness that I was always in. It’s so hard to break free.
The Podcast mentioned in the first segment (about unhealthy partners) that choosing healthier individuals will be difficult, it will feel uncomfortable because you aren’t used to the normality of it. It’s like relearning how to walk again. It will feel almost unnatural and even wrong… But you have to break the cycle. Healthy relationships aren’t dramatic. It said not to mistake intensity for love… That’s all I’ve ever done. I have to take a moment and think about what I NEED in a person. What I deserve. I deserve better.
I’ve been afraid to date again. I’m afraid that someone will come into my life that I’ll be so drawn into, and they may be unhealthy for me and I won’t care. I don’t want to be in denial. I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I realized that I’m the heroine in my life, I can only save myself. I can’t turn to a man and expect him to pick me up and fix me. That isn’t reasonable or possible. I need someone who will support me, no matter what. Someone who won’t judge me. Someone who won’t look down on me and tell me I’m worthless and useless. I need someone to understand the darkness within me and still be able to see the light. Is that too much to ask for? But still, I’m afraid. What if that guy shows up into my life, and is all those things as a front? And then months into the relationship, he goes Jekyll/Hyde on me. It can’t bear the thought of enduring that nightmare again. So I’m apprehensive, I pull back before anything begins because I’d rather avoid being hurt again. Now I’ve created my own cycle of isolation and doubt.
I feel like I can’t win.
But somewhere deep inside this lacerated heart, I still have hope. The silver lining, the sliver of light is flickering. It’s telling me not to abandon ship. It’s telling me to hold on for better days. It’s the first time in a very long time that I’ve decided to listen to that hope. My own hope… Because for so long, I’ve denied hope for myself. I’m slowly learning to own and honor my truth. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I still feel so wrong and confused. And while I’m still struggling, I’m going to keep looking into the crack of light- in search of better days.
However, my reality is often skewed. I go from one extreme feeling quickly. I’ve learned to mask it, which sometimes becomes so unbearable. It’s hard to hide what’s eating me on the inside. But I don’t want to burden anyone, that makes me feel even more heavy. I don’t want pity. I’m too afraid someone won’t understand, but will simply just pity me, and that hurts me all over again, and then I feel regret and shame.
So I’ll keep searching for the glimmer of hopeful light, alone.
I hope it’s searching for me, too.