Empty.
Empty.
Empty.
Empty.
Empty.

Do you see me? Can you hear me? I’m looking into the dark and I thought I saw you there. I swear I did. I heard a familiar voice. It went away. You were there, too. But you went away. I can’t think of you or talk about you without a stream of tears flowing from my eyes. I have so many questions that you left unanswered… you didn’t give me a chance to ask. I feel things I wish I knew before I found out what they were on my own. The pain grows, then it subsides. It returns again. I want to rip my skin open. I think of you. I don’t blame you for your absence. But I lie awake at night and weep for your silence. You should be here. You should’ve been here. I miss you every day. I love you, and I’ll never forget you.

Confused.
Confused.
Confused.
What is happening…?
Alone.
Alone.
So very alone.

Alone, again and again. You always left me alone. I never understood why. Why was loneliness my closest friend, when all I wanted was someone to hold my hand? Nobody ever did. And now when I touch someones hand, I either pull away or I never want to let go. Can you explain that? Could you explain anything to me without reaching into yourself and making yourself heard? I’ll never know. I wasn’t heard. I was ignored. Another door shut. Another empty promise. I learned early that promises were meant to be broken. I still hold onto some dying hope that the next person who promises me something actually KEEPS their promise. I don’t think you understood that. I live through these silent nightmares that creep inside the corners of my mind, always when I least expect it. They’ve shaped this misunderstood path I’ve always been walking along, alone. It seems as if anger was the only way to convey a message that only lead to dismay and tragedy. Was that what you were trying to teach me? That life is only a tragic sequence of let down after let down? I wasn’t able to embrace the beauty that I envisioned. My vision was so dark… It is still so dark. I only see a single candle in passing as I desperately look for a window. The pain still comes and subsides when I least expect it. And in the deepest cut within my soul, I have forgiven you… and I will always love you.

Silence.
Silence.
Empty.
Empty.
Vacant.
Vacant.
Negligence.
Sorrow.
Uninvited agony.

You never knew. You still don’t know. I know you don’t. I’ve always known. A secret sinking solitude inside my heart. I couldn’t hide the emptiness, but I didn’t know how to let it SHOW. It came out in different ways. Ways I wasn’t able to vocalize, and never to you. Especially to you. I wore a cloak of insecurity, it still flows so nicely behind me. Gentle enough that you can’t see it unless you look around me. But it’s there, dripping with blood you never wanted to see. Blood you didn’t imagine could be there. Anger always conveyed in the messages I received. Why is anger so frequently present in my life? Where is the love? I still don’t know. And it’s something I continuously look for in someone else. Always searching for the truth in their eyes, prying their eyes open so deep, desperately looking for love. I haven’t found it. I don’t know what love means to me anymore. Maybe you could’ve taught me that. Just maybe. I’ve let go of the cruel wanting of lessons taught by you. It didn’t take me long to realize I would never get those lessons. I always had to look for them elsewhere. I’ve had to forgive you though, because you just don’t know… and you never will. In this silent, melancholy-ridden chamber in my heart, that’s where I love you.

Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
Empty.
Angry.
Alone.
Hope.
Hope.
Love.
Confused.
Confused.
Love.
Empty.
Abandoned.
So empty.

I don’t know if I never knew love until I met you. It’s so hard to reach into myself and pull it back out because I said goodbye to those feelings once I knew you weren’t coming back. Not again. I heard it in your voice one last time. All I’ve wanted to do is tell you what happened. All the agony I caused us. I want to give you an explanation. But I know you’ll never want to hear it, so I’ve said goodbye to that chance, too. I hope you believed me, that I loved you with every fiber of my being. I could’ve unraveled every vein and cell so you could see how much love was there. I did. Many times. But you mistook it for something else. I misunderstood myself. I was so blind. I wish you really knew. I never meant to hurt you with my unstable heart. I know so much better now. I wish you knew. I’m sorry. I’ve let you go, but I will always love you.

Together.
Together.
Always.
Forever.
Alone.
Alone.
Waiting.
Wishing.
Wanting.
Together.
Love.
Please don’t go.
Alone.
Alone.

You have always been everything to me. You always will. You are part of me. Even when you went away, I always carried a piece of you with me everywhere I went. I could never fully let go, and I don’t know if I ever could if you went away for good. You saw the ugliest parts of me, and I always knew you still accepted me. I always fear you’d leave me behind. Sometimes you did. I still held on. You are engrained in my soul, and I could never say no to you or deny that love. I want you to know that. You have saved me agin and again. I only hope I have, too. If I haven’t, it’s okay. Please don’t cry. I’m telling you that, I’m telling myself that. We have walked a tight rope throughout our lives, intertwined, tangled, alone up high. I’ve always found your hand. I will always have your hand. You are the puzzle piece that is glued to my heart. You are the brightest star in the night sky, even when you have lost yourself. I could never replace your perfect imperfections. I love you. I love you. I love you. Please never forget that.

Renewed.
Love.
Love.
Mistaken.
Blinded.
Love.
Hurt.
Pain.
Anguish.
Love.
Alone.
Alone.
Broken.
Love.
Dead.

You. You dare tell me you love me. Your love was a lie, and I don’t think I could ever fathom anything you ever said to me otherwise. My voice was lost long ago. You stole it and refused to release it. I don’t want to waste another breath on you. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve to drink in a single drop of happiness. For every heart beat and breath you stole from my body, I want you to hurt just as badly as I did breathing in your anger. Your pain was not a gift. It was a mistaken token of your gratitude and love. I took it anyway, and tried to open it and make it shine like a diamond, so it could be as bright as the light that I once saw. I never found the diamond. I don’t think I ever had a diamond, just a bitter, broken, endlessly black lump of coal. I was also told if I was a bad kid, I’d get put on Santa’s Naughty List and get a bag of coal for Christmas. I didn’t believe it, not until you came along. I think you were the lifetime of coal that I finally received in one sitting. Eventually the coal burnt out, and I was able to walk through it, and never look back on the footsteps that remained behind. I hope you still see those steps. I hope the black dust that was our existence burns into your core. I’ve seen your true colors, again and again. The rose-colored glasses I wore so well broke when you killed me with your anger. There’s that anger again. Why is anger such a prevalent theme in the messages I receive in life? Why? You couldn’t answer it, You didn’t see me. But I know who you are. I see through you. I see the truth, and I don’t love you anymore.

Anger.
Passive.
Alone.
Fear.
Alone.
Alone.
Cold.
Shattered.
Alone.
Uncertainty.
Alone.
Unstable.
Alone.
Hoping.

I’ve said goodbye a thousand times. I’ve turned out the lights a million times. I’ve pulled myself away when I didn’t want to. I’ve dragged myself through the mud, crawling through the dark rusty wreckage that flowed through my veins. Through you, you, you, and you. Only to hit the wall. The mud drowning me, filling my lungs until I suffocate. Alone is where I always thought I belonged. I still do. But then I looked at you, and the windows in my eyes began to crack. I let out the dim light in my soul. I hope you see it. I want you to see it. Don’t look away, I could get used to your company. I’ve been so misunderstood. I’ve learned so much from these individuals. All these people have shaped me in ways I never thought I knew or could appreciate in the end. All the painful lessons, the empty hearts and words, the poison that filled my ears and continues to echo. Every sincere smile, every memory I love and hate. The enigma that is my mind will linger around in ways I am unable to fully control. Please don’t be afraid. I haven’t given up on myself even though I roll on the brink of self-destruction. I’m sorry. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m flawed. I’m afraid I always will be. Do you think you’re flawed? This may not make sense. I never know if I do. I’ve learned. I’ve learned. I’ve learned. I’m still learning. I’m still looking for the things I never got. I’m still looking for the love I’ve always wanted to hold. I just want you to know. Maybe you don’t understand now. Maybe you never will. Maybe one day you’ll still be looking at me and it will all make sense. I don’t know. I can’t control you. It’s something I’ve learned. So much is out of my control. Maybe by letting go, I will one day get what my heart has craved and cherished all along. I won’t be angry if it’s not from you. I won’t let anger rule me, now or never. I just want you to know that. It’s one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned. I hope you know that.

Alone.
Misunderstood.
Lost.
Broken.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Unseen.
Mistaken.
Alone.
Compassion.
Forgiveness.

I want you to know that you’re not alone. You are not. You have me. I am you. You may not believe it, but I hope one day you open your eyes and see me. I’ve always been here. I always watch you. Sometimes I fade away into the darkness, but I always come back. Your heart is cold, but deep inside is where I lie in the warmth that your soul still encompasses. You hate me a lot, but I’ll always love you anyway. You may dig into my skin, you may damage me in ways that are so cruel, but I am still here. We are one. We are not alone. I will always have you. All you have to do is open your eyes, and look in the mirror.

Don’t forget about me… You’re all I have. I love you, I forgive you, and I will never leave you.

 

xoxo,
signatureAS

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