Sometimes I have small revelations now and then. Things that stick, thoughts and ideas that surround my conscious and give me something to believe in. Today I’ve opened a door to a revelation that many people choose to shut and look for another door.
Never compromise what’s truly in your heart. Don’t change your morals because the dark path in that fork in the road is whispering words of curiosity to you. Don’t feed into it because your curiosity will kill you. Tread lightly. There is a time and place for curiosity and if you forsake yourself, you will be empty and empty over again.
I often question my own moral compass. It usually stays in the right direction, but every now and then… tainted ideas deep into the corners of my brain and push me to thinking into a different light. These lights, flashing colors that hurt my eyes, and then the smoke that drifts in from the cracks in my head suffocate me. The walls in my mind forge walls so high that there’s no way I could scale them. Suddenly these lights and the smoke, it’s all I see and smell… and I can’t escape it, no matter how hard I try to find the door.
I’m crawling, trying to stay beneath the smoke and avoid the bright lights so I can find my sanity again. Searching endlessly for the morals I was just holding onto. Eventually though, I feel the walls for a doorknob and I’m met with one. I open it and fall into the hallway of solace that I desperately tried to find. Little did I know… the door was exactly where I was standing before I fell to the ground. I was just too afraid to turn around and look, and ended up circling to where I already was.
This may not make sense. A lot of the shit I say doesn’t, but it’s this process that connects me back to my brain, which connects me back to reality, which allows me to ground myself in my core. It’s been my lifelong journey in therapy, trying to find that delicate place within myself and hold onto it for dear life.
That place is where my morals live. The core where I can bury myself into and finally feel safe. That’s the place where I can go and be so sure of who I am and what I’m doing everyday as I continue to breathe on planet earth.
I lose that core more often than I can hold onto it, but when I have it in my hands, I appreciate every single moment it’s touching me. Maybe that’s what life is, it’s just about finding the cores within our souls and connect with it, and then watch as it crumbles and withers away, and then rebuild it again, and again, and again. Some succeed on holding onto it for longer periods of times, but then people like me can only hold onto it for so long before it caves in. It’s up to me to find the pieces and find something more sturdy and concrete to keep it place so I can have my foundation again.
I will slowly build myself up, I will watch as I fall apart, then I will piece myself back together, being mindful to use stronger and more secure tools next time. Sometimes I look to an outside influence for those tools, and sometimes another soul will come by and help me build myself up. Sometimes another soul will kick me over, leaving me all alone to pick up the wreckage.
Whatever happens, I will keep redesigning, rebuilding, and reclaiming (Thank you Seth Rollins, for those words of wisdom) myself until my last breath.
Will you help me? Or will you break me?
In either instance, thank you for the lesson.
You have become the kintsugi that pieces my life together.