It seems as if though I’ve come to a full circle involving love and relationships. I’ve looked love deep in the eye and I’ve been vulnerable towards it. I’ve felt indifferent. I’ve felt indignation. And now I sit here, looking blankly and emptily inside love’s iris.
Love has let me down, or maybe I’ve let love down. In any case, I’m at a crossroad with it. Part of me––the warm and welcoming part––wants to bring it closer and embrace it for as long as possible. Then the other part of me––the cold-hearted half of me that has built her walls up so high that not a single soul could possibly crawl over––glares angrily at it. There is no in-between. There is no compromise. There is no half-measure. It’s either I find love, let it consume me, or I keep it at bay.
I’ve argued with myself over this. I tell myself, “oh, the right guy will come along. Once you stop looking, there he will be.” And I’m comforted by that thought for 30 seconds… and then the other part of me takes over and scoffs at it. The comfort goes out the window, and crawling in comes cynicism and jadedness. It seems this half of me wins more than the other half. And here I sit, perfectly okay with it currently. I weave in between a couple dating apps, eventually closing them because… what’s the point? All I see through every profile and every swipe is pure emptiness. These guys won’t fill me up. It’s too exhausting to try and reach out. It’s all the same. Why bother? This shit isn’t fun. Getting to know people is tiring, and it might just be a waste of time in the end. There’s no way I’m winning in this game of “love.”
Besides… who would want to get to know me? I’ve already established that romantic relationships are my biggest trigger. This seemly impossible obstacle keeps rearing its ugly face directly in front of me. It’s mocking me, making strange faces that make me turn away from it because I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to face this thing that I have to eventually face. I have to figure out how to reconcile with it, otherwise I’ll just be bringing the same turmoil and baggage to the next relationship(s). And with that looming over me, it just makes me not want to try at all. It’s too much work, and all that effort might be a waste on the wrong person. Of course, I’ll never know unless I start to try and fix this issue.
You see… I don’t know how to trust another soul again, really trust them. The kind of trust that is only shared between two people in that romantic-type setting. How could I put so much faith in someone who might just betray me in some way? It’s all just a waste of time, not knowing their intentions. People change as time passes, and sometimes not for the better. I know every relationship teaches you something, a valuable lesson that you should take to heart. And because of these awful relationships I’ve endured, it has made my heart turn to stone. I’ve taken the tragic lessons and painted my outlook on romance in black. I am my self-fulfilling prophecy, there’s no doubt about it. I joke about being cursed ever since I was born. But after telling myself this affirmation for so long, I’ve now come to truly believe it.
I don’t want my world to end in heartbreak anymore. I can’t begin to describe how exhausting it is if you’ve never really felt it before. This is my apprehension. The possibility of heartbreak. Nobody can ever really predict it, but by keeping it away from me, I eliminate the possibility of being hurt- problem solved. The risk doesn’t exist, and I can just simply carry on with my life without carrying that kind of pain in my heart. I already break my own heart at times- why give someone the power to do that to me? Why be at the mercy of another? Why give them the gun and pray that they don’t shoot?
I don’t want my moods to be dependent on the other person. That’s how my life has been dictated for so long, always by the other person I’m involved with. I haven’t learned how to separate my own well-being from the other, and this is why I keep them away. I know myself, I know what will happen. I’m aware of it. So why can’t I go into a new relationship with this knowledge of myself? Because it all just goes out the window once my heart begins to be won over by the other person. Suddenly the lesson and knowledge I’ve gained about myself just disappears, and out comes the dependence. One look and I’ve abandoned my own reliance. I don’t want my emotional state to depend on them anymore.
I’m my own keeper, and if that means staying away from love, then I guess so be it.
Don’t get me wrong- I see couples around me wherever I go, and for I moment I am envious. I want what they have. I want their love they share for each other, for the beautiful moments they create, for the laughter, the fun- the connection. But then the envy and longing quickly melt away though at the thought of me investing myself in something that may never last. I go about my way, not glancing back at that couple again.
I find myself day dreaming about a love that feels out of reach, because I’m too apprehensive to make it happen. I can’t find it. I can’t create it alone. It’s not something I can write about that comes to life. It involves a second person who has their own autonomy- thoughts, feelings, actions. They have control over their half of the deal. I can’t change whatever it is they feel or think. It’s a collective, teamwork between two people. It’s their hard work and determination that bring a relationship to fruition, and I guess I’m just too weary and independent to try anymore.
Will this notion ever change? Maybe. I don’t know. I have to be willing to open myself up again to the possibilities- endless ones… and yes, they might be filled with heartbreak. There’s nobody praying for me, not even myself. There’s no reason to. It’s my decision to open the door to a new realm, and right now that door is sealed off.
I guess I’m just not ready to fall again- in love, or from grace into the bottom of the abyss.
All that is love is lost. My third eye is blinded by the doubt and the unknown. It doesn’t wish to be opened. It wishes to sleep for what already feels like an eternity. I don’t want to disturb it. In it’s own time, it will open and gaze around with a new point of view.
I will be waiting for as long as it needs to sleep.