Isn’t it wild that it’s already November? The years go by so fast now as I get older. A strange phenomenon. Life seems to pass by slowly as a kid, because that’s just the beginning of your life. As we age, we have more of a past that we can reflect on, thus making it feel like the years have flown by. We have a future to look forward to though. Even though sometimes I just want to hide away from both the past and future. At least in hiding, there’s no progress in either direction. I’m immobilized in the present, and sometimes that’s just fine with me.

Time is subjective though. If we look at everything as if it has an expiration date, life seems so much shorter. Things aren’t embraced or enjoyed. We live on edge and in total anxiety because we feel like everything––every moment––is being wasted. I feel this way too often, and I catch myself when my thoughts start to drift into that paranoia. It’s hard to rebuild the thought process away from this time-ridden toxicity. In the end, I end up hurting myself because I feel like I’ve wasted so much time not accomplishing things I want to. Then it just goes in this perpetual cycle of worrying about said wasted time. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and I just want to end this cycle.

How does one end the cycle of impending doom? It’s something I’ve spent a lot of my life stuck in. Stuck in cycles of self-loathing, abusive relationships, overall internal struggles. It never ends. I wish I could find peace and solace within myself. Sometimes a light shines through the darkest parts of my soul and awakens me gently. For a moment I can bask in the warmth and not feel the shadows chasing me down like hungry wolves. Escaping the bitter cold is always a battle; I’m always trying to find a blanket of security. It seems the cycle has become a security blanket in itself. It’s become the friend I never wanted or asked for. I want to break free from the cycle; I want to live and not feel confined to the essence of time.

They say “time heals all wounds.” Does it? Or could it possibly be our own conscious and subconscious working together to separate us from the pain that chained us down, in the name of time? I refuse to give in to the notion that time heals my wounds. I heal my own wounds. Time doesn’t help. It’s not a measure of my progress, it never will be. I’m distancing myself from the pain on my own terms, there isn’t a label for it. Sometimes I slip and fall backwards, back into the deep end of the pain I’ve been working at to escape. But everyday I work hard to heal, to learn, and to move on with my life to better things. I don’t want to measure that in minutes, hours, months, or years.

Time hasn’t helped heal deep wounds in my soul from my childhood. Some things aren’t able to ever be completely healed over. Scar tissue forms over those bottomless cuts. I acknowledge them, I see them there, and it’s all I can do to just learn and grow from them. But just because these things happened 15 years ago, it doesn’t mean they don’t affect me today. These scars are part of me now, they’ve molded themselves into my character. I carry them with me; time could never erase that. It’s not bad that I carry them with me, the “baggage” I have has taught me valuable lessons. The irony is that pain is the best kind of teacher.

Time can’t hold me back from revisiting my past. Time can’t force me to not dream of the future. I will wait and wander wherever I choose to go. Time won’t control my present. Time is an illusion.

But… unfortunately I can never fully escape time. It’s how the population structures their lives. And by default, I have to, too. But I still have the power to decide what to do with my time, and how to progress on my path. I don’t want to let a measure of time define how I navigate through the emotions that I experience. I don’t want time to suffocate me in the moments I’m feeling the most alive. I want to be set free from these ties that restrict my own freewill. I don’t want to live in fear that I’m wasting these moments, that I’m not living my best life, that I’m missing out on all the things I want to do, people I want to see, and places I want to go to. If time has to exist in my life, I want to coexist with it without living in fear. I want to look it in the eye and tell it that it can be here with me, but it can’t control my life and make me afraid to move in any direction I choose to go.

If I have to go into the darkness, it’s not time telling me my wounds haven’t healed. It’s not you telling me I haven’t given it enough time. It’s me choosing to retreat into the place where I’ve created when I never had anywhere else to go. It’s where I slowly pick away at that perpetual cycle of doom. It’s me protecting myself from the pain from all points in my life. I love and hate the darkness. It has ruled me throughout my life. Time keeps knocking on this abyss within me, but I will not open the door for it. It has no place here. I choose to break the cycle, I choose to repeat it. Time plays no part. And if I have to make the same mistakes over and over, then so be it. It’s just another path in my life. Time has no confinement on the choices we make or mistakes we make. In those moments, we’re not considering time; we’re only trying to keep living regardless of what may come.

That’s all we can do to live, is to just keep going.

But don’t let time fool you into thinking it’s your friend. Time doesn’t wait for you and I. Time will keep rolling over you with no warning… Destroy the notion that you are confined to this perimeter. Live your life without the fear of time looming over you. Take your moments and enjoy them, savor in the better moments, and learn from the painful moments. Keep your memories and don’t let them fade away because time says it’s been too long.

Time tells us we’re running out of it, but I hope one day we can all realize it’s not a measure of our worth or the constraints that force us down certain paths. We will always have freewill. I hope one day we can truly realize that and live life on our own terms. Make time for the things/people that/who matter to you. Be honest with your prioritization. Time can only confine you if you allow it…

 

Time won’t swallow me whole, no matter how badly I hurt.

 

I will feel, I will breathe, I will live in spite of the essence of time.

 

 

xoxo,
signatureAS

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