Who am I when the world doesn’t see me hidden away? What exists inside myself when all I can do is hide from all your eyes? I’m blowing away. The heartless wind circles around me and I am chilled to the bone. The silence is deafening. I try to shake myself back into the present world. I hear some pitter-patter on the outside of this room. There’s a buzzing around me. I do my best to focus on these sounds so I don’t slip away again. I’m failing. The heaviness grows more as each minute passes by. My eyes are glazing over and feel so dry. If my body could liquify and seep through the cracks in the floor, it would. I would dissipate into nothing before I hit the final floor from where I sit in this building.
Time is a man-made concept, and it terrifies me. Our lives are ruled around this atrocity. Why can’t we just be care-free like animals and have no concept of time? Sure, they have their own circadian clock, and rise and fall with the sun and the moon. But they aren’t dictated by the hands of the clock. They don’t worry about the minutes that roll by. They don’t fear that they are aging. I wish humans I were capable of this notion. I wish I could set myself free from the chains of time.
I’ve been trapped in my endless thoughts of mortality and what waits for us after we die. My mind tangles itself up into a knot that’s worse than one that you’d find in your hair. I have to close my eyes and scream internally to make myself cease the thought process. It’s too overwhelming. My brain can’t conceive what’s next. I end up scaring myself. Talking about it is hard. No one knows the answer and that’s frightening. Humanity has created religions just to comfort themselves because they don’t know what’s to come either. They have to believe in something, a story that promises another life after this one. Maybe it’s right, maybe it’s not. I can’t accept either answer because it’s not for certain to happen. As I right this, I feel my paranoia rising. I’m going to scream at myself now to make this chaos end.
Nothing matters, and yet apparently it all matters. I have to give my own life meaning. I struggle with trying to do that. I find things to live for, and then I lose them just as fast. My foundation has always been unstable and I’ve struggled with it since I can remember. My own two hands can’t solidify the ground I walk upon, and I fall through the cracks daily. My mind is crumbling so much today. The knot worsens.
I want to be alone and then I crave company. But why? Will it mend this emptiness in me? Only to return as they walk out the door. Being alone is easier than letting somebody in. When you let somebody in, you get attached. When they leave, this pain burns into my chest. It takes so much time and effort to extinguish it. I’ve been screaming on the inside and I don’t know if anyone can feel the pain radiating from me. It takes so much time to stabilize.
I’m hiding, crying, and silently dying inside right now. I don’t know how to make it stop. I wish I could tell you. I can’t find the words to deliver to you to make sense of what I’m thinking and feeling. The lack of understanding slowly drives me mad. Why is it so hard to convey pain such as this? On the outside, it seems so ridiculous and pathetic. I wish I could turn it off. Why can’t I turn it off? Why am I so empty inside, and yet the weight of the world is crushing all that I am?
I never meant to let anyone down. Maybe some believe in me, but I’m broken anyway. I keep gluing the pieces of myself back together but it still chips off . I’m constantly picking up the pieces and reattaching them to me. Sometimes I just let the chips accumulate and watch as they bury me. Sometimes I just run out of glue.
I don’t know who that is looking in the mirror back at me. She doesn’t look familiar very familiar today. I see someone who is tired and void of inspiration. Where has the life gone? I could spend some time trying to find it, but I end up just as exhausted as the reflection staring back at me. I guess that person really is me.
I close my eyes and listen to the silence that surrounds me. I hear the faint buzzing. I breathe in the contained air in this room. I don’t want to move. I know I eventually have to, but the heaviness is keeping me locked in place. I can’t fight it, so I’ll just let it be.
I’m sad, heavy, empty, uncomfortable, and searching for something I never really had.
What is it that I’m searching for? I still don’t know. I thought I did. The feelings and ideas come and go. It’s not tangible. It slips through my fingers like sand. My heart craves the consistency of these hopes and dreams I have. Why don’t they stay with me?
I wish I could talk to you. I don’t know you, but there’s some reassurance in your eyes that I think you could offer me. We’re not too different, you and I. Your experiences resonate in me and I can fit my own experiences into yours. I wish you could be that person in my life that nobody knows I have. This could be a private friendship, one that only I can hold onto. Something tangible. Something reliable. Something I won’t disappear. I know it’ll never happen because you don’t even know I exist. I wish you did. I have so much to say, and yet nothing at all. Maybe you could listen and tell me something to bridge these gaps inside me. Maybe we could just listen to the silence and buzzing together.
This weight is suffocating me slowly. I have nothing to hold onto as I’m crushing into the floor. This is just the way it is right now. I just have to let it be.
The heartless wind blows on. The buzzing hasn’t ceased. Tonight this emptiness has the best of me. Clarity has abandoned me for now. I’ve been buried deep inside the ground. There’s nothing left to say.
Can you feel the weight crushing you, too?
I close my eyes; I’m covered in blue.