retrograde / regress

Is time moving backwards? Is all the progress I’ve made falling away? Maybe everything I thought was progress really wasn’t anything. It’s either going in reverse, or it’s frozen.

Frozen in time.

I’ve locked myself up in every sense. It’s hard to open up again… I mean, it was never easy. But I felt my walls go down a little bit. Something has shifted though, and suddenly I just want to keep all my pain, secrets and concerns to myself. Maybe if I keep them all in, they won’t be as real as I feel that they are.

I’ve been numbing myself off the face of the earth every day, little by little. And yet I find small ways to make myself feel alive for if only a moment though. However, it doesn’t always shine through. I’ve lost myself along the way. As much as I tell myself that I know who I am, I think I’m deceiving myself.

Have I deceived you, too?

These walls feel so unbelievably hard. Punching through them with my bare fists is an impossible task. How did I build them so high, so unconsciously? I’ve created impenetrable walls around myself. How will I get out this time? Will I ever?

I haven’t got much to say. How could I? I seem to be keeping it all stuffed inside. I don’t think I have it in me to apologize for it, either. All I can say is that it’s lonely, dark and cold in here. And yet, there’s some kind of warm solace in knowing that nobody can hurt me because I’ve kept this all inside, alone.

I can see the darkness manifesting itself around me. Circling and coming in to embrace me. I acknowledge it. I’m not afraid of it. I’ve never really been afraid of it. We’re so familiar with each other. It comes and goes, but always stays close by. There comes a point where the darkness begs to bleed out though. I do my best to ignore those wishes… sometimes it’s just too hard to put up a fight.

Isolation has always had my name written all over it. Emotionless, I’ve become. And yet, anger and sadness burn inside my veins. They’ve chained themselves and won’t let go of me. I can’t let go of them. Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I release everything that ails me? I don’t understand myself during these times. It’s difficult to think clearly. I roll over and fade away. I feel heavy. The heaviness makes me dizzy and it hurts all at the same time. When will all this pass?

The lights don’t want to lead me home. They call my name. They are there, shining bright in the night sky. But I can’t see straight… I guess I’ve just stopped searching for them. The apathy is drowning me. Will I escape this? Sometimes it feels like I never will. Just when I think I’m able to crawl out of it, it pulls me right back down into the void.

It’s inevitable. This is my curse.




I don’t want to lose hope, but here I am.
Falling in, falling away.





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These are the musings of a 32 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

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