Subtle nightmares plague my waking thoughts, day in and day out. I can’t begin to describe how uncomfortable it is, being awake as they crawl underneath my skin. I can’t get them out of my body; they’ve fused with me. The nightmares have overtaken my thoughts and have made a home inside my brain. They linger there and make themselves known constantly- sometimes more often than other times.
These nightmares are my curse. They’re laced with fear, hopelessness, and defeat. The prevent me from being who I want to be. They distort my reality to the point that I don’t really know who I am or what I’m capable of. They cut me down as I muster the strength to push on. They remind me of all the things I have to do in order to succeed, but in the most malicious of ways. Time is fleeting, and the nightmares remain hungry.
I’m always alone with these nightmares… and sadly, sometimes it’s just not worth fighting them off.
Road block after road block, I’m biding my time. Waiting for something that may never come. Why don’t I make do with what I have now? Because it isn’t as simple as that. Everything I want to express comes at a cost. I have to respect my own wants/desires/needs and finally give myself what I want. But I can’t, and it destroys me. I don’t have the safe space to open up and create everything that resides in my heart, in my core, and in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind. I simply can’t express it in my current state. So all this time, I silently live with the discontentment and depression.
Am I killing my own dream? I don’t know anymore.
I don’t know how to describe the dull pain in my heart and the frustrations that swirl around inside of me. I feel weak and lost. I can’t change a thing, and the hopelessness has engulfed me.
I wish I could set myself free, right here and right now. But I can’t, I really can’t. I see myself as a little canary, trapped in a tiny cage- but I can’t find a way out or find a bigger cage to live in.
I hope one day I can find a way, and find the means to build a safe space to create the things I’ve wanted to make all this time. A space where no one can interfere. A space where my painful honesty has a voice. A place where I can be myself, without fear of judgment or criticism. A place where I can open myself up and finally be someone I’ve wanted to create all along, but never had the means to bring it all home.
Until then, I must continue to bide my time and wait. Perhaps I’m one day closer to my solace… but depression continues to drink me down, and I slowly drown.
The nightmares won’t fade away, they won’t let me go.
Still searching for the light that’ll guide me home.