Today would’ve been K and I’s 5 year anniversary. A bittersweet day, indeed.

January 23, 2013… That’s the day I knew he was the one for me. He had tried to ask me to be fully committed to him prior to this day, but I was unsure because I was still healing from a previous relationship. I wasn’t sure I wanted to jump right in again. Until that day, or more specifically, that night.

It was my first time visiting Philly, and we had decided to go out to eat, so we hopped in his car and drove. It was cold and icy, and we were heading northbound on the 95. It was stop-and-go traffic, and he wasn’t paying quite enough attention to the road. I was looking out the window until I realized we were coming close to the car in front of us faster than the flow of traffic. I yelped his name in hopes of him stopping in time, but it was too late. We had rear-ended the person in front of us. It wasn’t a major accident, we weren’t going too fast (no airbags deployed), but there was enough damage to the front of his car that it was sort of the beginning of the end for that poor car.

We eventually steered off the highway, the person in front of us we had collided with. It was a girl who was driving her parents new car… Eek.

When we stopped, I got out of the car to survey the damage, it was definitely a sad sight. The front end was bent and crushed in, lights were crooked, the bumper was loosened, side fenders were dented, fog lights smashed. I felt so bad, I wondered why K wasn’t paying attention to the road in that moment. I wondered what he was thinking about.

I took photos for him, because he was sitting in the car calling his insurance company or something, not 100% sure. But when I got back into the car, I realized how calm and collected he was. And then I realized how I was panicking, but as soon as I knew he was okay and how he remained calm, it made me calm too. Still worried, but I felt a comfort that I hadn’t felt in a long time; I felt safe. But who knew that would change later down the line in our relationship…

We eventually got back on the road and still trucked on to the restaurant. We weren’t going to let a fender-bender get us down. Despite the incident, we ended up having a really nice night.

Once we returned back to his place and settled in, I began thinking hard about how he wanted to be in a relationship with me. It suddenly felt so right. After seeing how well he handed that misfortunate car accident, I knew that he was someone I wanted to have in my life, and even more so as my own boyfriend. So I decided to make it official. I told him I’d be right back, and I went to the restroom. I wanted it to be sort of a surprise, so the 22-year-old me decided to make it “Facebook Official.” Totally corny, I know.

So as I was in the restroom, I logged on and changed my relationship status to “in a relationship with ______” and entered K’s name. I pressed save. And then I knew a notification would be sent to him, and he’d see that I had made the choice.

I left the restroom and went back into his bedroom and the look I saw on his face was something I wouldn’t forget. He was happy, I was happy. Oh… how I long to have held onto that feeling just a little bit longer. How I wished that that’s how our relationship could’ve stayed; so pure, happy, and safe.

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It seems as though I’ve let go, but for some reason my heart and mind are malfunctioning and not processing these emotions anymore. Maybe if I don’t talk or think about them, they’ll go away.

I understand I’m human. But I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting these feelings to resurface and linger. They won’t seem to leave me alone anymore. Who knew that a year of avoiding them would eventually chase me down and trap me?

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where to go. I feel like I’m stuck… Not so much at a cross road, but more of a thick fog and I can barely see any lights in front of me. So I fall to the ground and shut my eyes, waiting for the fog to pass by. It seems to be taking much longer to clear. I’m finding different ways to deal with my pain, emotions, trauma, thoughts, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I sometimes cry but I don’t know what I’m crying for. My tears were ignored before, they’re no different now. Though as I shed them now, I’m not waiting for K or anyone to comfort me.

I’ve gotten so used to being alone. Now when I imagine someone else coming into my life, it’s a bit frightening. Just imagining a new person to open up to, to learn all about them and what they like/dislike, their mannerisms, beliefs… Then they have to find out about me, and my baggage. I doubt anyone really wants to handle that now. Even thinking about it is overwhelming. How could I open up to someone like that again? The vulnerability is laced with fear. I can’t deal with another agonizing love. Yeah, what K and I had was passionate and special at times… But it was also dangerous and poisonous. To invest myself into someone new is to risk being part of someone who is like K. He didn’t show his true colors until after we moved in together. It moved fast, and I picked up my life and brought it across the country to be with him. Going back wasn’t quite an option until I was desperate enough to leave a few times during our relationship. But I digress…

I’m waiting for January 23rd to be just another day. I’m waiting for it to not sting and shatter my heart anymore. I’m waiting for these ghosts of K and I’s past to leave me alone. I long for the day when I don’t have to fight the tears back when I see this date and other specific dates that were part of our timeline.

I’m just so angry and ashamed of myself for feeling so sorrowful. A year has passed, why is the pain returning? I feel so pathetic and weak.

 

The shadows of you, they’ve returned. They’ve found me, and they won’t let me go.

 

xoxo,