I’m so full of life, and yet I’m hollow. I watch as the life is drained before my eyes. The mirror fades to black slowly while I try to remember what happiness looked and felt like. I don’t remember… I see nothing, and I feel nothing.

Tear-stained pillow; my only company. In the stillness and the cold silence around me, my breath keeps on. My mind is like a broken television screen, my core burns up in flames. This never gets any easier.

When the shadows steal me away, does love remain?

I’m seeing double, and my hands are heavy. Why do I feel so heavy? I want to let go, but the emptiness never does. It’s become my home. Unraveling, soon to be undone.

Memories floating around right before my eyes. I see them and I feel them. What role do they play now? Sharp edges aren’t forgiving, and I’ve wounded myself more times than I can count trying to piece it all together.

Where do they fit? Where do I fit?

The same heavy hopelessness keeps me still. I can’t fight it, I never could. It walks with me quietly. It makes its presence known.

The darkness stays. I remain inside, bound to the shadowy wisps that hold me tight. It’s been here all along. It won’t leave me alone- not for you, not for anyone. My fate was sealed long ago.

I can’t articulate these feelings. I can’t emulate these thoughts. I’m running blind, and god, it’s so lonely feeling the wind pass through me.

If only I could say I love. If only I could say I hate. If only I could pour out the mess my head is into a bowl. It would be endless. The bowl would overflow. Everyone would drown.

That’s my mess, and I’m somehow still alive.

I’m alive, but the life in me is dim. An ember remains, barely glowing. Sometimes it begs to be fanned- other times it begs to be extinguished.

Last time I wrote, I was hoping to close my eyes and sleep, and wake up feeling better… I’m still waiting. The dark days are frequent. Everything blends together. I’m letting you down.

The lights are off, nobody’s home.

I’ve accepted my fate- the shadows never let me keep anyone too close. They remind me there’s no use. I fight until I can’t. The sorrowful moments turn into endless stretches of time. There will come a day when I’ll watch as they walk away, closing the door behind them, and leaving me alone in the dark again.

Sometimes I wish they would leave a light on. Even lighting a single tea candle would do.

My thoughts are cloudy and weighing me down. I can’t fight it. I don’t mark these dark days down, I’ve lost count. I’m too weak to pacify those who used to smile at me. The ones that expected so much more. I don’t expect them to stay.

I have nothing left to give. My hands are empty. My heart is chained up. It’s a tired excuse, but I don’t know why. It’s my fate- my design. It’s not fully accepted by everyone, and so isolation is the only solution. Here in the dark, I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to really live. I’ve complied with the misery and it invites me inside. It sits happily as I lay still.

Time flows on and I can’t tell how much of it has actually passed. But there will always come a time when someone lets go and moves along, and suddenly my time with them is up. We don’t get to choose that time.

It’s so hard to hold onto hope when my core is already burning into ash. I can barely hold onto myself.

The world moves on, leaving me behind. I stay still as my tears slip away.

I could never promise anyone that the darkness will leave… it is part of me. It will continue to isolate me from everyone. These cycles will never end. I’m accepted or rejected. There is no in-between. I can’t demand it to leave, because it’s impossible. It simply can’t be done. The darkness––and all that comes with it––resides in me.

Don’t wait with bated breath for the sun to rise. I continue to foresee heartless rain and looming skies.

 

I’m sorry I can’t be better.

This is my curse.

 

 

xoxo,
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