I’m trying to neatly compose my thoughts together, but the thought of that alone is incredibly overwhelming.
Everyone keeps saying I’ve made so much progress in my life, that I’m strong, that they’re proud of me for overcoming what I have. They say I’ve grown and changed into a better version of myself… so why do I feel like I’ve been stuck in this dark hole for so long? What can they see that I can’t? And better yet, why can’t they see that I can’t see this benevolent light they claim that radiates from me?
I don’t believe it.
I sit here in the dark, dimming my thoughts away as best as I can. I’m pushing everyone away. They don’t understand. They don’t want to understand. They don’t want to try. Why do I feel so alone? Why can’t they see it from my point of view? I’m drowning in this, why can’t they try harder? Why can’t they be the strength that I can’t muster up from within me? Everything is so damn heavy and I can’t lift anymore. I’m still here at the bottom of this well, and they’re yelling from above to climb out. But the walls of the well are slimy and sharp. Every time I try to attempt to climb it, my hands are cut.
Why don’t they see what I see?
People like to throw around the word “triggered.” Well guess what, some of us truly do have REAL triggers. I’m tired of being mocked for it. In these moments of being triggered, I don’t care about anything. I just want the pain to stop. I want those around me to comfort me, no matter what it takes. So what if I push them away, it’s my defense mechanism. Try harder. I don’t want to be alone, so I will try to push them away. Yeah, it doesn’t make sense. I don’t make sense. I don’t make sense right now because I’m triggered. This is my best attempt to try and make sense of the whirlwind that is happening in my head.
I don’t know how to process my emotions when I’m in this state. I can’t do this alone. I can’t feel anything but burning pain. I’m angry, sad and alone. It feels like nobody cares. Why doesn’t anyone understand that? Don’t throw logic at me. Don’t throw your lessons at me. I can’t hear them. I can’t hear anything. All I feel is my mind and body on fire. I’m trying to extinguish myself. Help me. Help me put out the fire. Do everything you can. Make it stop. Make it fucking stop. Don’t argue or rationalize with me. Just don’t.
Stop thinking with your head, and start feeling with your heart. I don’t want to be alone. Touch my soul. Bring me back to my body. I need help. They say I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help. Well too fucking bad, sometimes it’s too hard and painful to ask for it. Why can’t people understand that? Sometimes it’s impossible to ask for help. Sometimes we need someone to just come in and reach into us and help us when we can’t do a god damn fucking thing. I’m not making excuses. I’m speaking my truth. This is my truth. This is the state I’m in when I’m triggered. I don’t think. I hurt. I hurt more than you will ever know. I’m fighting silently inside myself. Don’t you dare think I’m being a brat or anything.
This thing in me is hell. This is a prison.
Sometimes I’m able to feel the sun shine on my face from behind these prison walls. Maybe you could help me find my way out when I can’t speak or help myself.
I’m chained down to these cold and unforgiving prison walls.
I don’t have the key.
I’m dripping with agony and shame.
I have no voice.
I have nothing left.