It’s been awhile since I’ve written- well over a month. I haven’t had the energy to find the words to say to convey the heaviness that circles in my mind. I try journaling on pen and paper to get these feelings out, but it doesn’t help much. This may not, either.
The silence is loud. The silence immobilizes me. The silence holds me down, and as it does, I have no concept of time. The light shines outside my bedroom, but there’s just darkness in my head. Time has lost its meaning.
Everything has lost its meaning.
I have a tendency to make things black and white. There is very little room for the grey area. My generalizations can erode any sense of direction I may have ever had about something.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost my own trust.
I don’t trust my own feelings anymore. Everything can change in a moment and be the opposite of what I felt. And then just as fast as I’ve flipped the way I feel, it flips back to how I originally felt. How could my own feelings betray my trust? I don’t know when this started happening. It’s confusing, frustrating and isolating. I cry for the demise of these fleeting emotions. The anger grows. If there’s been a constant feeling, it has been anger. It’s exhausting to feel this angry all the time. I blink hard in hopes that I’ll snap out of it and feel a reason to exist in this world. I imagine my heard being jump started by a pair of defibrillators. I’ll open my eyes on the third shock and see the world clearly. I’ll breathe in fresh air and have a new outlook on life. I’ll have feelings that don’t erase my identity. But all I do is blink and view the world through these empty eyes… I can’t make sense of it to anyone. Nobody understands this condition. I close my eyes, shut my mouth, and I withdraw and hide away from the world.
For every person I’ve loved, I can hate them just as fast. The ebb and flow of my emotions is misunderstood by everyone who comes across it. How do you explain to someone you can’t stand everything they are? How do you tell them maybe you’ll love them again later? Stability has never been my strong quality, and I keep myself at bay because I know it’s not something someone would want to stick around for, even if they say they will. That could change in an instant. I have to be on high alert, because you just never know. And that way, when they do leave, I don’t have to be the one to tell myself “I told you so.” I don’t blame them either, but I have to protect myself somehow, too.
Within the depths of my fleeting emotions, I realize the one emotion I haven’t felt in so long still doesn’t seem to exist anymore: passion.
I don’t feel passionate about anything. There hasn’t been a single thing that has given me that high, that excitement that takes your breath away and makes your world shake. Nothing or nobody gives me that. I’m in a constant state of numbness, emptiness, and apathy. I’m uninspired. I might feel like my thoughts and feelings are black and white, but my world is painted in grey. Nothing brings me passion anymore. I realized this in the shower tonight. As the hot water and steam surrounded me, tears welled in my eyes and I felt the void consume me.
Maybe this is just what happens when you get older. Maybe this is adulthood.
Life is a series of distractions. I hop from one to the next. Anything to take away the painful emptiness that swirls inside of me. I’ve silently lost control and there’s nothing to catch my fall.
Then the guilt sets in. Life isn’t bad on the outside for me. I have a place to sleep at night, food to eat, a job, family and friends. So why do I feel so dead inside? How dare I feel these feelings? Why can’t I stop? Why isn’t the therapy and medication helping? Who am I to feel these things and think these thoughts? “Be happy, you stupid bitch” is what I tell myself.
I don’t feel anymore. I’m only fading away. I’m trying to grab my own hand and pull me back into reality but I’m failing. I’ve fallen through the cracks. I don’t bother with the rest of the world anymore. It’s too exhausting. I’m tired of trying to make sense of what’s going on in my head. I’m tired of trying to relay it to those who don’t understand it. I’m so tired of trying to shed some light in the empty corners of my brain. So I’ll keep on with these distractions.
Maybe a miracle will happen and a surge of passion will explode in me like a volcano. I won’t hold my breath though. A mountain of disappointment is something I can’t face again.
The disconnection is a static fence between the world and I.
Will I ever find my way onto the other side?
I can’t promise anything.
I will only let you all down.