There’s a loud voice inside my core screaming at me to write. It’s been over a month. These days seem to go by so fast now. The year is nearly over.

Everybody is doing their picture comparisons between 2009 and 2019. I’m attempting to do so, but I haven’t found a picture of myself that I don’t completely loathe. I was such an idiot when I was 19. Not that I’m so fond of myself now. I feel like I have a little more sense and wisdom than I did before. Reflecting back on the decade is exhausting. I’ve gotten to know myself more, and yet I still don’t recognize myself at times. I still don’t know what direction I’m going. My mental health is still shit, but at least I’m able to identify what’s happening and note the triggers. I’ve come a long way in that regards, I suppose. It’s hard to remember everything that’s happened through the years. It’s blurry. I’ll try to remember some things.

• 2009:
  – cut off my long black hair, that was a mistake. I looked so ugly.
  – was an emotional wreck when my boyfriend and I broke up for a month or two.
  – was engulfed in our relationship and could barely breathe without him.
  – went out of the country for the first time (Vancouver, Canada).
  – worked 2 jobs while going to community college.
  – depression lingered all around me.
  – I self-harmed often.
  – I started a Youtube channel that I still upload to a couple times a year.
  – bought my first car.
  – I felt so very alone and empty.
  – BPD tendencies were there, but not identified.
• 2010:
  – I adopted my cat from the lead singer of a popular rock band.
  – my car was totaled by a fucker who was texting and driving, he didn’t have insurance. Fucking cocksucker.
  – depression consumed me.
  – dropped out of school, I think. I dropped out several times.
  – the boyfriend and I broke up again for 7 months.
  – I was a wreck without him. I was lost.
  – self-harm was frequent.
  – I met a girl who was friends with the ex boyfriend. I was suspicious of her, but we became friends and over time, she has become one of my best friends.
  – I was a shitty person.
  – I was at my skinniest: 105lbs
  – thought I was in love. I wasn’t. I just liked the attention.
  – I broke someone’s heart who I did care about a lot.
  – I leased a car soon after my car was totaled.
  – I moved out of my moms apartment and into my aunt and uncles.
  – I felt so very alone and empty.
  – BPD tendencies were there, but not identified.
• 2011:
  – the boyfriend and I got back together.
  – I went through way too many jobs.
  – I went back into therapy after a couple years without it.
  – depression ate me alive.
  – I returned the leased car 9 months later because I lost my job.
  – I had my first legal drink in San Diego.
  – I don’t remember if I self-harmed much this year.
  – I broke up with my boyfriend for a week and he came back.
  – my cat was my rock through all the pain.
  – I went back to school.
  – I felt so very alone and empty.
  – BPD tendencies were there, but not identified.
• 2012:
  – I moved out of my aunt and uncles house and into a friends house. I had my own master bedroom/bathroom.
  – I went to Maui with the boyfriend.
  – I was car-less, and was taking the bus mostly. I eventually drove my mom’s old car.
  – I dropped out of school again.
  – the boyfriend and I broke up after 5 years, for good.
  – depression crawled through my veins.
  – self-harm occurred.
  – I continued with therapy.
  – I had dental surgery which would be ongoing for 7 months.
  – I visited Seattle for the first time, and planned on moving there alone.
  – I met someone new online. We began talking. We fell in love. He visited me for Thanksgiving break.
  – my cat was still my rock.
  – I felt so very alone and empty.
  – BPD tendencies were there, but not identified.
• 2013:
  – new boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship for a few months.
  – he convinced me to move across the country to his home city of Philadelphia. I did.
  – I was so incredibly ignorant. I didn’t know what was about to happen.
  – A week into living together, I felt something was wrong. This would be the slow downfall of my sanity, and the beginning of an infinitely turbulent emotionally/verbally abusive relationship.
  – depression would never go away.
  – I spoke to my therapist on the phone for a few times before we ceased our sessions.
  – my cat was still my rock through everything.
  – I wanted to move back home so badly.
  – self-harm was at an all-time high.
  – suicidal ideation was frequent.
  – I felt so very alone and empty.
  – BPD tendencies were there, but not identified.
• 2014:
  – this was the worst year yet.
  – I was constantly suicidal.
  – I ended up checking myself into a psychiatric hospital.
  – I was diagnosed with BPD on Feb 27th.
  – I was in my first IOP (intensive outpatient) therapy group 4 times a week.
  – I was so relieved that there was a name to all the madness that has infected me for so long.
  – I had a cool job, and met cool people.
  – I made myself vomit a lot.
  – I lost that job later that year because I had a mental breakdown and wouldn’t leave my room or talk to anybody.
  – the abuse continued.
  – I started taking antidepressants.
  – I had my first suicide attempt on Thanksgiving.
  – my cat was still my rock through the pain.
  – I felt so very alone and empty.
  – I began looking for apartments to rent so I could get away from him.
• 2015:
  – I decided to move to Seattle to get away from him.
  – I bought a car.
  – I drove across the country from Philly to Seattle.
  – I lived in Seattle with my best friends.
  – I got my septum pierced.
  – I still communicated with him. I couldn’t seem to leave him completely.
  – the abuse continued, even thousands of miles away.
  – I smoked cigarettes and self-harmed often.
  – I started taking a mood stabilizer.
  – I had a job briefly.
  – I decided Seattle wasn’t for me, and I drove back to Philly a few months later.
  – Not even 2 weeks later back in Philly, the abuse continued in-person.
  – I found a new therapist.
  – I looked for apartments to move into to get away from him. I didn’t move.
  – I had my 2nd suicide attempt.
  – I went through a few jobs until I found a job that I deeply loved.
  – I went back to school.
  – I felt so very alone and empty.
  – I fell in love with Philly more.
  – my cat remained my rock.
• 2016:
  – this is the year that changed everything.
  – I cried wolf so many times with this relationship, saying I’d leave him after so many times. Nobody believed me anymore.
  – I found an apartment. I secured a room in that apartment and moved some stuff into it. I slept there for one night and I went back to my apartment where the boyfriend lived. I continued paying rent for the other room for 5 months before I found another person to take over the room.
  – I still saw the same therapist and continued my medications.
  – I flew home to watch my long-time best friend marry her high school boyfriend.
  – something felt different within me regarding the boyfriend. Something I couldn’t shake off. This sinking feeling that would eat away at me slowly. A thought that would never leave my head that he did to me 2 years before. I couldn’t let it go. It wouldn’t leave me alone and I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
  – I felt so alone and empty. The depression was becoming too much.
  – After the cycle of abuse–endless fights, all the crying, him screaming at me, being shoved into the wall and onto the bed, the cops being called on us, the silent treatments he punished me with, the threats, the countless nights staring up at the ceiling in bed, wishing I could finally die once and for all so I could stop hurting so badly–I put it to an end on the last day of the year… permanently.
  – my cat was my rock through it all.
• 2017:
  – I couldn’t stand another day, knowing what I knew about him and what he did. He left endlessly deep scars on my soul, and I couldn’t forgive him for this.
  – I left him for good, and I drove across the country back home.
  – I ceased all communication with him, his friends, and his family. I didn’t tell him where I went (though I found out soon after that he found out where I went. Someone must’ve told him).
  – I moved in with my sister.
  – the ex called me one night 72 times from an unknown number. I ignored all his calls, but answered a few times to tell him to fuck off.
  – he left a long voicemail, it cut him off at the 4 minute mark.
  – he harassed me with unknown phone numbers and fake blog profiles.
  – he stopped after a few months.
  – I was healing, but was haunted by the ghost of him and everything we lived through.
  – my heart turned to stone.
  – I went through several jobs.
  – Chester Bennington of Linkin Park died. That affected me.
  – I became closer to one of my friends.
  – I started learning how to use tarot cards with said close friend.
  – I met a few guys through phone dating apps.
  – I found a new therapist and psychiatrist.
  – I still took my medications.
  – my BPD symptoms subsided in intensity.
  – I felt so alone and empty.
  – as long as I was away from him, I was safe.
  – I fell hard for a guy who was no good for me.
  – my cat was my rock through it all. What a trooper.
  – I was 1 of 4 cars involved in a severe car accident. My car was totaled.
  – I developed PTSD from the accident.
  – I bought a new car a few weeks after the accident.
  – I started this blog.
• 2018:
  – this is a year that would change everything.
  – I had a job that I liked for awhile, until I didn’t.
  – was involved in a fender-bender, my car is fine.
  – I had a thing with that guy who was no good for me briefly. I never spoke to him again after a few months.
  – I fell for someone I met on Tinder. It didn’t go anywhere though.
  – I dated someone from Hinge for a couple months. I hope he gets better.
  – I flew out of a state to watch one of my closest friends get married.
  – I self-harmed.
  – the friend who became my best friend got me a job with her at the company she worked for. A field I had never worked in before, so learning everything from the ground up was frightening. I loved the environment and people I worked with.
  – my best friend and I learned how to use tarot cards better and it became a ritual for us to read each others cards frequently through the months.
  – I met a couple other guys through phone dating apps with no promise.
  – I gave up on dating all together.
  – I went to lots of concerts with a long-time friend.
  – I started attending movie nights with that long-time friend and became more involved with his circle of friends.
  – my BPD symptoms were still on the low end of severity.
  – I felt alone and empty.
  – I still saw the same therapist and psychiatrist and continued my medications.
  – then my coworker approached me one day in November, asking me to go see a movie with him. I figured it was just as friends, but a tiny part of me wondered if he had feelings for me. We went out to the movie.
  – I traveled far out of the country for the first time (Japan). I visited my sister for a couple weeks while she stayed out there for a few months.
  – the coworker is from Japan, and I was texting him during my trip.
  – I was talking to my sister about him one day when I realized I was developing feelings for him too.
  – I confessed my feelings for him over text while I was in Japan. When I returned, we went on a real date.
  – I was afraid, but I was smitten.
  – I was involved in another car accident. My car was fine, but began a long road of drama.
  – my cat remained my rock.
  – continued writing this blog, slowly gaining more followers.
• 2019:
  – I fell in love with my coworker and we became a couple.
  – I still see the same therapist.
  – I was seeing the same psychiatrist until recently. I’m looking for a new one.
  – I experimented with new medications but ceased those and still take the same ones I’ve taken all these years.
  – still dealing with car accident drama.
  – my weight has stayed between 110-120lbs.
  – I self-harmed this year, not too often, but it did happen.
  – BPD symptoms have risen in severity. Not nearly as bad as when I was with my ex.
  – depression is something that never fully goes away.
  – I’ve become so proud of my sister.
  – I went to a bunch of concerts with the same long-time friend.
  – I feel empty. The hollowness is consuming and takes so much energy to pull away from it.
  – my relationship is the healthiest, most loving one I’ve ever been in.
  – my boyfriend treats me well, supports and respects me, and has endless compassion for me. Calling him boyfriend just doesn’t feel right because he means so much more than what that title is.
  – he makes me feel happy and like I do deserve love.
  – I end up convincing myself I don’t deserve love.
  – I can’t and don’t want to imagine a reality without him.
  – I feel like a failure and a burden.
  – I renewed my passport and lost my drivers license at the airport.
  – I dissociate often. I never really noticed I’ve done it so much until this year.
  – I was part of a mental health video from The Mighty.
  – family drama has broken me down.
  – I was an extra in a Shinedown music video that hasn’t come out yet. I met the band who are some of my biggest influences musically.
  – movie nights with the long-time friend are still a thing.
  – I watched my two best friends marry each other. I was a groomsmaid.
  – my boyfriend and I visited those best friends for Thanksgiving.
  – I’ve exposed the ugliest parts of myself to my boyfriend, and he somehow still loves me and wants me around.
  – I’m supposed to go to Japan with him next month (Jan 2020). I feel like I don’t deserve to go. I don’t know why this feeling is so strong within me. I’ve made myself feel so insignificant even though he’s given me no reason to feel that way.
  – I don’t feel good enough, for him and just in general.
  – I love him so much, and I feel guilty for who and what I am.
  – who am I?
  – I’m still at the same job and still work with my boyfriend.
  – the best friend that I became close with, who I’ve known since 2010, who got me the job and did tarot with moved out of the country and it hurts. I’m so incredibly happy for her but I miss her.
  – the PTSD from the accident in 2017 still haunts me.
  – a lot of what’s happened in the past, from my childhood (mostly the bad and abusive parts) and the abusive relationship has haunted me.
  – I still write in this blog.
  – my cat is still my sweet little rock. She is old, and I’m often afraid of losing her one of these days. She’s in good health though, I make sure to take such good care of her.

2020 is just around the corner. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have hope at times, and other times I just don’t see anything. I’m afraid. I don’t want to be, but I’ve been alive for nearly 30 years and that scares me. Why am I so afraid? There’s this shift in me happening and it’s made me feel so uncertain about my own existence. Sometimes I want to die, and other times I just want to live so hard and unapologetically.

I want to make a difference somehow. I want my existence to mean something. I want to be proud of who I am. I want the energy within me to grow. I want to feel alive. I want to make myself feel whole. I can’t make these promises to myself though, because it could all change in a minute. I realize I live with these mental illnesses that lay me down time and time again, but I want the strength and courage to grow to bury itself in me and never fade away.

This is the longest post on my blog. If you read through the entire thing, thank you.

Here’s to 2020 being the year where I finally find the pieces of myself that I’ve been missing.

 

 

 

Don’t let the shadows break away my better days.

 

 

xoxo,