I don’t know where to begin. I want to rage and smash things. I want to bash in my keyboard for the words that I’m about to lay down. But all I can do is cry, hold and try to soothe myself. I want to know where in life I went wrong for some people to not really want me. Why am I invisible? Am I dead but I’m just not aware of it? I feel half alive often but… is my conscience really here?
I just want to give up. There’s a part of me that’s fighting for everything I thought was worth fighting for, but then the other part of me just wants to lay down and melt into the darkness.
I found out a few hours ago that a close family member is moving out of state. I knew this, yes- however, I did not know the exact date. It turns out they’re moving this Monday. I found out nonchalantly through another close family member. I’m lost for words. I feel hurt, rejected, forgotten, insignificant. As if I’m not worth the phone call or a lousy text to let me know. I’m frozen. My heart aches. My soul has been crying my whole life trying to find a connection with this family member, but the connection is weak and cuts out more often than not. I don’t even know how to continue writing about this. I don’t know how to put these feelings into words or coherent thoughts. My soul is just lost in this fog. I’ve been suffocating for 31 years seeing this family member but not really seeing them. They’ve never really seen me, either. At this point, I think maybe it won’t be possible. I make peace with it over and over, but it hurts all just the same. I don’t know what to say, and this doesn’t begin to even describe the weight in my heart and soul. I have nothing left.
Aside from that, I’m slowly piecing together a puzzle in which I don’t really have all the pieces to assemble it fully. But I’m essentially in love with someone. But this person is unable to give themselves to me so they pulled back. They’re focusing on other things in their life right now. But the rejected/hurting/forgotten part of me is wondering if maybe that’s just a gentle way of letting me down. I want to believe them and their mission, but my heart aches because I want to talk, confide, exist in a space that we were creating together slowly before it was pushed aside. I want to laugh and feel connected to their soul that held onto mine and I held onto theirs, and I never doubted for a second that anything was wrong. I want to manifest all these things for the two of us because I know that we could happen. But now I’m afraid at the end of their journey, they won’t even feel the same about me anymore. They won’t look at me and see what they saw before. I”ll just be another face that they have etched in their life that doesn’t mean the way it did before. They said they didn’t want to kill off what we had built, but they couldn’t pursue this path right now. I believe them, but the broken part of me is dragging me down and telling me it’s the opposite. I try to reassure this part of me, but it pushes shards of pain into my heart and it’s hard to pick them out.
I feel like Anju from Majora’s Mask when she’s waiting for Kafei to come meet her as the moon is moments away from destroying earth. Link comes up to her and she tells him, “I’ve decided to wait for him. I’ve made my promise… I’m fine with this. I believe him.” And so I’m waiting patiently for this person to meet me before the end of humanity because they mean so much to me. It’s up to them to decide if they want to show up before the moon falls on us. And so I’m waiting. I’m not moving, I’m not asking where they are or if they’re close by. I’m just putting my faith in them and believing what they said. I’m trusting the process and the timeline. And if they don’t come before the moon crashes, then… well, I guess that answers that.
Am I a fool? Maybe. But like all things in life, we all have choices, and some are more emotionally taxing than others. It doesn’t mean it’ll be that way forever. There’s so many possibilities. But when they involve another person, you have to also take their choices into consideration.
I just had to get this out of me. I don’t know if it’s helped much. Maybe a little. I’ve been stuffing these feelings inside and I don’t really know how to deal with them, but I’m trying. I’m still breathing, I’m still doing what needs to be done in my own timeline. But I’m also afraid. I’m afraid that at the end of it all, they won’t feel the same anymore even though they’ve had my heart for all this time. I don’t really know what will happen at that point. I have no idea if they even think about me anymore. If you understood the situation, reader, then it would make more sense as to why I’m not pushing for a response or for results. I’m backing up because that’s what they want right now in order to grow themselves, and I could never nor want to hinder that.
I feel numb right now. I need to wash my face and brush my teeth. I need to smoke and just fall asleep. Tomorrow is another day, I’m not sure what it holds. But right now, I just want to sink into a sleep where I will find solace in my dreams. That’s what I want.
I will sing my secrets into the atmosphere and send them into the starry sky.
I hope the universe listens, holds them close, and plays the song of healing- radiating that energy my soul is so thirsty for back into me.