Being Borderline means…

Oh… where do I begin?

Endless uncertainty.
Constant anxiety.
Emotionally exhausted, to the point that it makes you physically exhausted.
Deep sinking fear of the unknown.
Fear of making mistakes.
Fear of other peoples mood’s being ruined by you.
Little things triggering you that normal people would brush off.
Sensitivity that burns through your core.
Your own feelings and emotions pulling you like a puppet.
Trying to sit with the most painful thoughts without harming yourself.
Emotions feeling like a cinderblock crushing your chest.
Trying desperately to crawl out of your own skin due to the mental anguish.
Losing control.
Feeling like you’re on fire from the intense feelings.
Being misunderstood.
Never knowing who you truly are.
Thinking you’re amazing for a moment, then hating yourself so passionately that thinking you were amazing before is a disgusting thought.
Your flaws are all you see and feel.
Never feeling good enough.
Hurting yourself even though you know it solves nothing, but feeling like you deserve it.
Feeling guilty 24/7 even though you have no reason to.
Thinking everyone is mad at you if they close a door differently, walk with a heavier foot, aren’t talking, or their face is expressionless.
Feeling abandoned when nobody understands or leaves you alone in your state of crisis.
The emptiness inside your core consuming you.
Thinking you’re better off dead.
Impulsively buying things in an attempt to make yourself feel better or worthy.
Suicidal ideation circling your mind frequently.
Staring at nothing in particular, never really knowing how long you’ve been staring into it.
Knowing what you’re feeling is irrational, but unable to switch it off.
Unable to articulate your thoughts and feelings to anyone who asks.
Feeling like a fraud, or “Imposter Syndrome” constantly.
The mood swings are heavy like a pendulum and leave you no space to breathe.
You love someone so deeply, then that person does something that upsets you, and suddenly you loathe them.
Apathy and depression drown you.
Your SOS signal is weak.
You can pick up on the smallest change in someones voice, and it spikes your anxiety.
You can’t maintain eye contact.
Wanting someone to hold you and save you in your darkest moments.
Feeling angry and alone when no one comes to your rescue and you’re left to your own devices.
Recalling the worst memories of your life at the most random/inappropriate of times.
Unable to remember chunks of your life.
Expressing yourself and speaking your truth is terrifying.
Gaining motivation to do something and losing it just as fast.
Finding something you love to do and obsessing over it, only to lose the passion soon after.
Feeling half alive but mostly dead.
Putting up a facade so nobody asks questions because it’s easier that way, but still screaming deeply inside.
Not wanting to move a muscle when you wake up.
Finding that being asleep is so much better than being awake at times and wishing you could just stay asleep until everything isn’t awful.
Unable to say how you really feel in fear of judgment from others.
Feeling ashamed for who and what you are.
Not taking up space.
Stifling your cries for help because you don’t want to be a burden.
Feeling like a burden and waste of time when people do come help you.
Thinking they’re only helping you because they pity you, or out of some kind of obligation.
Paranoia.
Knowing no amount of tea or yoga or “thinking positive” will cure you.
Trying your best to keep your symptoms under control so to not inconvenience anybody.
Feeling so incredibly small.
The feeling of impending doom always lingering.
Anger, depression, emptiness and apathy are always simmering on the surface.
Floating so away from yourself.
Partaking in things you know aren’t good for you.
Your hopes and dreams always feel unreachable.
Stress is a default feeling.
Unable to access the parts of your brain you really need in those moments.
Standing up for yourself is an invitation for defeat.
Your mind never stops racing, the thoughts never cease, your head is never silent.
You rarely find solace.
You believe everyone will leave you- and when someone does leave, it still hurts just the same as if you didn’t warn yourself they were going to leave.
Feel emotionally abandoned if someone in your life shuts down or start to ignore you.
Being a liability.
Unable to leave your own rainstorm.
Wanting to be assured that you are still loved and not being abandoned. When you’re not assured, you are convinced that you’re alone and their love was never there to begin with.
Indifference from others means they’re angry with you.
Lacking object constancy within a relationship.
Feeling constantly invalidated by others.
Simultaneously being a little child, teenager and an elderly person.
Everything is black or white, never grey.
Rational mind is often defeated by emotional mind.
Indecisiveness is your middle name.
If you’re not perfect at something the first time, you’ll never be perfect at it, so you give up.
Falling asleep is never easy.
Feeling stupid constantly.
Crying for what feels like forever.
Unable to concentrate.
Wasting the days and nights away locked in your head.
Flashbacks hit you like a train and suddenly you can’t breathe.
You’re just so fucking emotional and you can’t stop it.
Making others feel like they have to walk on eggshells because of you.

 

Being unstable.
Feeling like you’ll never belong.
Feeling invisible.

 

This is the worst kind of pain you’ll ever know. You’ll never remember feeling anything else. Happiness was never felt.

 

Then the clouds part, and then sun shines on you. And suddenly, you don’t remember hurting. Everything is okay.

…Until it isn’t again.

 

Being Borderline means as I wrote this post, I felt absolutely pathetic and completely alone.

 

There is no escaping from myself.

 

 

xoxo,
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These are the musings of a 30 y/o dreamer, wisher and doer. All my posts are authentic; I write what's in my heart.

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