Tonight is the first night in a long time where I’ve had alcohol. Sometimes it’s hard to drink… it reminds me too much of my mother and her addiction to it. I do my best to separate my experience from hers though. I don’t drink to drown out the demons in my head. I wish she didn’t. I wish she could’ve enjoyed a glass of wine for what it is instead of chasing the feeling of freedom.

I feel the sadness in it, if anything. But I know she did, too. I could see it and feel it when I was around her growing up. You think kids don’t really pick up on that stuff, but they do, and I did. Why else would I push alcohol away? It’s not something I want to take part in. But sometimes it is nice to just chill with a beverage.

I feel empty often, but the last few weeks have depleted me of any life I had inside of me. Life is passing us all by and we can only watch as it goes. Time is frozen. Most of the time I have no idea what day it is. It doesn’t matter anyway. My thoughts and feelings have sunken beneath some surface I can’t penetrate through. I’m digging as fast as I can to get it all back, but the digging does no good. The dirt keeps filling up the hole.

I’m alone with my thoughts, and I do my best to cope with how they consume me. I dream of better days. But that’s all they remain… just dreams. It’s hard to piece together how reality will be moving forward. Any hope I had has disappeared. I’ve lost the strength I worked so hard for. I don’t know what I am anymore. Do any of us really know? Do any of us really have the key to our destiny? Does fate exist? Is there a path that’s carved out for me but I just keep walking down the wrong ones? Or is that fate in itself? What or why or who am I following?

At this time, it just feels like I’m floating. I’ve somehow lost the anchor I once had to keep me grounded here on earth. I’m too far away to reach it now. I’ve floated beyond the stratosphere and am heading for the stars ever so slowly. Will I ever find my way back home? I honestly don’t know. My eyes are tightly shut, and I wonder how many others are floating away with me into nothingness.

2020 just continues to become darker and darker. If I make it past any of this, I will look back with the heaviest sadness I could ever feel.

For now, the only solace I find lies underneath the covers where I can sleep and forget this reality even exists. But sleep doesn’t come easy. It never has, but especially as of late. I lie awake for what feels like forever. My mind racing… always racing. I shut my eyes but the images remain and race from behind my eyes. Eventually it all goes black and I fall away.

 

 

I will fall away.
My anchor has crumbled.
I’m not free though.

 

I never was.

 

 

xoxo,